20 Ways to Get an Addict off Drugs When Traditional Rehab Programs Fail
I come to you as a person who has made many mistakes in my attempt to help loved ones conquer addiction. Through time, emotional agony and many conversations with drug counselors, I've learned a few tricks that I'd like to share with other people who struggle to keep their loved ones away from bad influences.
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Back in 2012, a dear friend came to stay with me after a long period of addiction that ended in divorce. Her social life revolved around a married boyfriend who was both good and bad for her spirit. On one hand, he played an important role in keeping her away from street drugs and dangerous places. On the other hand, he was a stone cold alcoholic who had no real intention of making good on a longstanding promise to leave his wife.
Oh, the nights she cried and cried, waiting for her prince to arrive with beer, weed and hugs. He usually showed up two or three times a week, but she desperately wanted more time with him. She would often beg me to intercept him on his way home from work. If we could catch him at the specific gas station where his carpool driver stopped on the way home, he would exit his friend’s vehicle, jump into my car and come home with us for the night.
I didn't exactly enjoy delivering my friend to her prince, but I felt that it was my only option. If I didn't provide a "safe" way for her to go out and party, she would just whip out her phone and start calling other friends to take her out for the evening. Since most of her friends were into crack or worse, I felt it was safer to deliver her to the married alcoholic who didn't mess with street drugs. Stupid, I know. In my desperate attempt to calm my friend’s pain and give her a reason to hold on for one more day, I became the ultimate enabler. I may have played a role in keeping her away from drug houses, but I also provided an opportunity for her to remain in a soul crushing relationship and stay drunk all the time. I would have been better off buying her a puppy.
Not surprisingly, Prince Charming ended up dumping both my friend and his wife. There was a third girlfriend he supported, and the third woman was his ultimate choice. Sadly, I lost track of my friend for a few years, and she was found dead in a trap house. To this day, there are nights when I lay awake missing her. She wasn't always a stone cold addict. Before she was introduced to crack, she had been a loving mom and efficient homemaker--a person who sometimes partied too heavily but never stepped over the edge. What could I have done to save her? Here's the plan I would have implemented if I had been strong enough to pull my head out of my ass.
Oh, the nights she cried and cried, waiting for her prince to arrive with beer, weed and hugs. He usually showed up two or three times a week, but she desperately wanted more time with him. She would often beg me to intercept him on his way home from work. If we could catch him at the specific gas station where his carpool driver stopped on the way home, he would exit his friend’s vehicle, jump into my car and come home with us for the night.
I didn't exactly enjoy delivering my friend to her prince, but I felt that it was my only option. If I didn't provide a "safe" way for her to go out and party, she would just whip out her phone and start calling other friends to take her out for the evening. Since most of her friends were into crack or worse, I felt it was safer to deliver her to the married alcoholic who didn't mess with street drugs. Stupid, I know. In my desperate attempt to calm my friend’s pain and give her a reason to hold on for one more day, I became the ultimate enabler. I may have played a role in keeping her away from drug houses, but I also provided an opportunity for her to remain in a soul crushing relationship and stay drunk all the time. I would have been better off buying her a puppy.
Not surprisingly, Prince Charming ended up dumping both my friend and his wife. There was a third girlfriend he supported, and the third woman was his ultimate choice. Sadly, I lost track of my friend for a few years, and she was found dead in a trap house. To this day, there are nights when I lay awake missing her. She wasn't always a stone cold addict. Before she was introduced to crack, she had been a loving mom and efficient homemaker--a person who sometimes partied too heavily but never stepped over the edge. What could I have done to save her? Here's the plan I would have implemented if I had been strong enough to pull my head out of my ass.
No enabling!
- Providing rides to visit friends or dates will just help an addict maintain relationships with the wrong people. Enable an addict toward success by offering rides to church, NA meetings, job sites or family gatherings.
- Offering a place to stay should be done with firm conditions. Define the perimeters of the arrangement beforehand. For example, "I want to see you come home every night after work," or "You must cancel any friends who use drugs and refrain from asking anyone to pick you up here." Be firm and unapologetic. Stop worrying about hurting your friend's feelings or coming off as a tyrant. It's better to hurt a friend's feelings than to watch a friend die.
Learn to recognize standard lies and lingo
- "My new friend Larry (or Shelly or Ben) is a good influence. You can trust me when I'm out with this person." (Larry likes Heroin. Shelly likes crack. Ben sells his prescription pills.)
- "I left my (jacket, purse, wallet...) at Mary's house. If I can't find a ride to go get it, I'm in big trouble." (Don't fall for it. It's a drug house, and you're the taxi.)
- "I need a ride to go see Fred. He is having a very hard time emotionally. He really needs me." (Fred has drugs to share.)
- "They were all doing pills, but I was only there to buy weed." (You were there to share anything they had to offer.)
- "I desperately need money for food. I'm out of everything!" (You spent the grocery money on drugs.)
- "I'm just going out for one drink. I'll be home soon. I promise." (I may not see you for a few days or weeks.)
Don't take anything personally. It's not about you.
Understand that ALL ADDICTS LIE. It's not a sign of disrespect or a conscious attempt to hurt you. It's merely a survival mechanism, like eating or breathing. Put yourself in the addict's shoes. Imagine that you're full of anxiety, sick to your stomach, deeply depressed or feeling physical pains connected to withdrawal. Wouldn't you lie to get another pill, rock or packet of powder? Of course you would. Don't hate the player. Hate the game. Anger clouds the mind and destroys the spirit. An effective care manager should not be ruled by anger.
Love unconditionally
When chronically depressed people feel unloved, they stop wanting to live. A person who no longer values life won't be very excited about getting clean and sober. Give hugs freely. State your love often, even when you feel angry or upset. You may be the only friend in the addict's circle who does this. Practice this line: "I love you when you're good. I love you when you're bad. I love you when you lie. I love you when you tell the truth." An addict must know that your love is not connected to sobriety. Your favors and financial contributions may be connected to the addict's ability to stay clean, but your love is PERMANENT, like the sun, the moon and the stars above.
Respect the addict's guilt, and don't add to it
Most addicts have done something regrettable along the line. It's the nature of the beast. As they begin to sober up, the guilt can hit like a ton of bricks, and startling confessions may follow. This is not your cue to say, "Wow. You've been such an ass!" This is your cue to stress that each new day on this earth is a gift. With every sunrise comes the opportunity to do better. God forgives all. Even children and former spouses can forgive. The key is to be consistent and show everyone how much you want to change.
Don't be a pushover
Whether you're a close relative or well-meaning friend who is providing temporary shelter, don't be afraid to DEMAND obedience to household curfews and rules. If you're not the kind of person who is good at confrontation, BECOME THAT KIND OF PERSON. Child psychologists are fond of pointing out that kids don't need parents to be their best friends; they need discipline and structure. The same goes for addicts. They need a thing called "tough love," and it's your responsibility to provide it. Demand sobriety, even if you must take the risk of hurting your loved one's feelings when they come home high.
Steal the addict's phone
With spurts of laughter through bitter tears, I remember the time my friend chucked her phone into a sewer after a heated argument with her prince. On that infamous night, she lost all of her best contacts and couldn't remember the numbers by heart. It took more than a month for her to convince her man to buy her a new phone. Many sober nights were spent at home because she lost contact with all of her dealers and friends. She eventually used the new phone to get on Facebook, collect phone numbers and reconnect with specific people who led her down the path to disaster. If I could do it all over again, I would steal her second phone. I know that sounds sneaky and deceitful, but I'm submitting this example to parents who are having trouble keeping their teenage or adult children away from dangerous influences. No phone equals no contact with dealers and no begging acquaintances for rides to dangerous places.
Don't let an addict go to N/A meetings alone
In case you haven't heard, NA meetings are the best place to find dates, score drugs and make friends with other addicts. If you can't sit beside your friend and make sure there's no weird networking going on, don't take your friend to meetings at all. Eventually, many addicts reach a point where temptations aren't so bad and meetings help bring clarity and focus. Unfortunately, it takes awhile to get to that place of strength and wisdom. Newly sober addicts aren't there yet. Don't push them into environments where they must fight temptation alone.
Take the addict for an extended wilderness vacation
More than 30 years ago, I knew an addict who landed in a mental hospital after an attempt to commit suicide. By the grace of God, she moved away from the Detroit area and settled in a remote country town. With no social network and no established places to score, she ended up raising a beautiful family and staying sober for life.
I'm submitting this example to parents who own campers, cabins or vacation homes in remote towns. Take your loved one away from the city for the summer. If you don't own a vacation home, look into free campgrounds in remote wooded areas. A nice durable tent can provide adequate shelter for months. A good rain fly with poles will eliminate the possibility of leaks by ensuring that rain never touches the tent. Believe it or not, there are millions of non homeless Americans who enjoy tent camping for extended periods. They bring tents, tarps, grills, first aid supplies, inflatable rafts, fishing gear and boxes loaded with non perishable food items like foil packed chicken, freeze dried meat, instant mashed potatoes, cereal, boxed milk and soup mixes.
I'm submitting this example to parents who own campers, cabins or vacation homes in remote towns. Take your loved one away from the city for the summer. If you don't own a vacation home, look into free campgrounds in remote wooded areas. A nice durable tent can provide adequate shelter for months. A good rain fly with poles will eliminate the possibility of leaks by ensuring that rain never touches the tent. Believe it or not, there are millions of non homeless Americans who enjoy tent camping for extended periods. They bring tents, tarps, grills, first aid supplies, inflatable rafts, fishing gear and boxes loaded with non perishable food items like foil packed chicken, freeze dried meat, instant mashed potatoes, cereal, boxed milk and soup mixes.
Don't encourage an unemployed addict to find a job too soon
There's nothing like the lack of money to keep an addict sober during those first two months of recovery. If the addict has a safe place to stay with plenty of support from family or friends, it may be beneficial to stay away from high stress work environments so that emotional healing can take place. I realize that staying unemployed for months isn't an option for everyone. A "functional" addict may already have a job that's impossible to leave and children who must be supported. A non functioning addict who has already lost everything may have more freedom to take an extended break from work and society at large.
Introduce the addict to a good sponsor
As much as we want to be there for our friends, a non addict can't possibly understand the intense physical and emotional pain connected to recovery. Encourage your addicted friend to develop telephone relationships with former addicts who've managed to remain sober for 3 or more years. All the talking is therapeutic and time consuming, and it's all time well spent.
Encourage physical activity to release endorphins
Physical activities such as speed walking or aerobic dance are good for the body, mind and soul. When we exercise, our bodies release chemicals called endorphins that interact with the brain receptors that reduce our perception of pain. Endorphins also trigger a positive feeling in the body, similar to that of morphine.
Introduce the addict to a new hobby
When your main hobby has been partying for years on end, you'll need something more than television to fill your time and give you a sense of purpose. Buy your loved one craft supplies, jewelry making materials, woodworking tools or a compact sewing machine. Commit to learning a new hobby as a team!
Discourage dating sites and social media
For many months, my friend and I were stuck on the ridiculous idea that she could use Facebook to find a nice, clean living fellow who would provide her with a stable home and erase all the pain and heartache she endured. Fantasy romance scenarios do happen on occasion, but today's online dating pool is significantly more contaminated than it used to be. Sober men who want to save addicted women aren't so easy to find, and my friend ended up making connections with more addicts and noncommittal types. Recovery is NOT the time to put your heart on the line and pray that the world will treat it gently. If dating can be an emotional roller coaster for sober people, it's certainly not the best hobby for tormented souls. Heal first. Date later.
Look into church groups and activities
Churches are wonderful places for families. They're also great repair shops for broken souls. The concept of a "higher power" is a common thread running through NA literature since the program's inception. If prayer didn't work, counselors wouldn't keep recommending it. One of the greatest gifts in life is constant access to a network of people who care about your physical safety and emotional well being. An addict deserves this gift, even if he or she has destroyed all other relationships in life. Church can also serve as a safe zone for social activity. It provides a place for much-needed fellowship when nightclubs and private parties are no longer an option.
Introduce a therapy animal
A therapy dog is a dog that might be trained to provide affection and comfort to people in locations such as hospitals, schools and nursing homes. If you have an extra affectionate pet, bring your dog or cat to visit a friend or relative in recovery! You may also consider buying your loved one a pet, but only if they've made their way through that critical stage where passing out happens regularly. Pet ownership entails a lot of responsibility. The right addict may thrive when given a precious baby animal to raise. The wrong addict may be a danger to the animal.
Encourage positive visualization
Encourage your loved one to calculate a rough estimate of the dollar amount spent on drugs in the last week, month or year. Now make a wish list filled with items that could be obtained if those funds were applied toward a worthwhile goal. Better clothing? New furniture? Reliable car? Decent home or apartment? Post this fantasy budget on the refrigerator so that the addict must see it everyday.
Take advantage of teachable moments
Even the weakest addicts have strong moments when they realize how important it is to remain sober for a day, a week or a month. During such times, the addict may disclose that certain friends or associates have played a key role in providing money and opportunities to use. They might even tell you HOW they were able to get away from their families and remain gone for weeks at a time with no money. Pay close attention to the confessions addicts make when they feel strong. Put these gems in your arsenal of knowledge to use at a future date.
Ask the addict to design a care management protocol for SOMEONE ELSE
When there's a teachable moment during a period of sobriety, ask the addict to write down a care management protocol designed for SOMEONE ELSE. Try to get the addict to visualize a scenario in which they're responsible for keeping a loved one away from drugs. Ask tough questions like, "What would YOU do if your own son or daughter became addicted drugs? Would you cancel access to smartphones? Would you make sure they didn't hang out with addicted friends? Would you ask your child to come straight home from school and remain home for the rest of the evening?" As the addict begins to write down rules and protocols, it will become clear that the measures they prescribe for others are the same measures they should implement in their own lives.