12 Ways to Ensure Your Marriage Survives this Era of Social Unrest and Disposable Relationships
By Bethany Vale
As a former newspaper reporter, I was often sent to research topics I knew nothing about. This is not one of those times. Through various obstacles, I've managed to hold a beautiful marriage together for 20 years. If universities handed out credentials for the time spent in solid relationships, I would have several doctorate degrees in love. As I witness a sharp decline in monogamy and stable relationships, I feel compelled to help millennials who are still learning how to navigate romance in a world gone mad. Make no mistake. We are all affected by the crime, bullying, political unrest and drama filled relationships that surround us. Misery is contagious. If we aren't careful, it can trickle down into our hearts and infiltrate every corner of our lives.
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Don't Keep Passwords a Secret
Imagine my surprise when multiple friends and associates began to tell me that their relationship problems revolved around Facebook and other social media platforms. The simple solution is not to hide any communications from your partner. When I step away from the computer to do chores or run errands, I often leave my Facebook window open for hours. If my husband had the slightest interest in following my conversations, he could simply walk into my office and read every private message I've sent in the last ten years. Let me be abundantly clear. If you're not doing anything wrong, you should be able to leave your unprotected phone on the counter and take a long nap. If you find yourself participating in conversations that you wouldn't want your spouse or lover to see, it's a sign that you should step away from Facebook or dismantle the account. Even if you don't plan to meet the chat buddies you encounter, flirtation can become a gateway to disaster during times of marital strife. Trust is the foundation upon which good relationships are built. Respect it or watch it die. The choice is yours.
Don't Expect to Agree Upon All Religious or Political Issues
My husband experienced a crisis of faith when the beloved mentor who taught him about the Bible committed suicide. Around that time, he showed me a documentary designed to prove that God doesn't exist and religion is just a social control. I rejected the information and showed him a documentary called, "The Case for a Creator." I may never be able to restore my husband's faith, but I'm okay with that. Even if I demanded my husband to believe what I believe, it wouldn't change his thoughts. I would never want him to lie about his feelings or agree with my rhetoric just to shut me up. That would only create an environment where I can't trust him to deliver genuine opinions about anything. I respect that my husband is an individual person with unique beliefs, not a carbon copy or living extension of myself. The same goes for political matters. Our views on individual political issues are often similar and sometimes miles apart, but we can discuss any topic without breaking down into petty arguments. Imagine what we could accomplish as a society if the world operated this way!
Don't Hang with Toxic Couples
We all know that husband who berates his wife in public or that wife who starts petty arguments at the most inopportune times. It's great to support friends who are facing difficult times, but it doesn't mean you have to go out for double dates or bring them home for dinner. Negative energy spreads to surrounding people and infects everything it touches. You are responsible for cultivating the vibe that fills your home.
Take a Vacation from Technology
Tent camping without smartphones is good for the soul. In everyday life, how often do we take the time to watch the sun rise over the lake? How often do we cook meals outdoors and have three hour conversations beside a roaring fire? Young people who've hardly known adult life without portable internet access should experience the deepened mental connection that occurs when distractions are completely eliminated. If work schedules won't allow for such a vacation, try building a bonfire in the backyard. Challenge yourself to leave the phone in the house while you sit and tell stories or roast marshmallows with your partner.
Dress Your Partner in Love Armor
Just as we bundle our children in coats before sending them off to school, so should we adorn our husbands and wives with emotional armor before sending them out into the world. I always make sure to give my husband a lingering hug or kiss when he leaves for work. The smile on his face as he walks out the door is priceless. I happen to know that his job is physically and emotionally exhausting, and drama surrounds him at every turn. The words I speak before he leaves may be the only loving words he hears all day. The good feelings I generate can help carry him through.
Learn to Recognize Your Own Bullshit
Many years ago, I lost my last pack of cigarettes. As I frantically searched through drawers and tore cushions from the couch, my husband sat watching with a condescending grin that made me want to smack the lips from his face. I turned to him and screamed, "You should help me, dummy!" He could have allowed himself to feel hurt. Instead, he burst into laughter. His hilarious response melted my heart in two seconds flat. I ended up laughing uncontrollably in his arms.
There's a big reason why my husband forgives so easily. He can be less than charming himself. He once called me an "idiot" when I missed a simple turn on the way to the store, and we spent the whole shopping trip engulfed in awkward silence. We all have moments when our behavior is less than kind. Married people can be downright nasty because we operate under a blanket of security fueled by the knowledge that our partners aren't going anywhere. Always admit when you've been an asshole, and take some time to laugh at yourself.
There's a big reason why my husband forgives so easily. He can be less than charming himself. He once called me an "idiot" when I missed a simple turn on the way to the store, and we spent the whole shopping trip engulfed in awkward silence. We all have moments when our behavior is less than kind. Married people can be downright nasty because we operate under a blanket of security fueled by the knowledge that our partners aren't going anywhere. Always admit when you've been an asshole, and take some time to laugh at yourself.
Don't Let Bad Moments Define Your Entire Day
The last time I went camping with my husband, we argued about the best way to set up our tent. When I tried to take pictures of our first dinner for my camping blog, he became quite annoyed and told me I would burn the food while focusing on trivial concerns. Halfway through dinner, he admitted that it was one of the most delicious meals we've ever cooked over an open fire. Later that evening, he was extra sweet and cuddly to make up for hassling me during dinner. I had a profound spiritual awakening as I laid in his arms and listened to the waves crash against the shore. I never wanted the moment to end. Our week on the lake might not have been so special if we had let the trials of our first day define the trip.
Stop Texting All Day
It's cute when new couples call or text one another throughout the day, but established couples shouldn't need the constant validation. If your partner loves to text back and forth, that's one thing. If constant contact feels more like an obligation, slow it down. If you're tempted to cop an attitude when your mate doesn't get back to you right away, think before you react. Does he or she have a busy job? Is it mostly a good relationship with adequate intimacy and togetherness? If so, put the phone down and go find something to do. Believe it or not, there was a time when folks waited to hear from their lovers all day and looked forward to a nice call in the evening. A chick who called constantly would have been perceived as needy, and a man behaving the same way would have been called a stalker.
Try to Be a Better Listener
If I speak to my husband while he's watching television, rest assured he won't remember what I've told him, even if he nods his head or participates in the conversation. I'm just as guilty of ignoring him when I'm on the computer. Years ago, we made a concentrated effort to get better. If I need to tell him something important while he's watching television, I'll ask him to pause the program. If he enters my office while I'm diligently working on a new project, he'll tell me to stop typing before he delivers his information. My favorite time of day is bedtime. This is when we cuddle, watch television, talk about the projects that excite us and chat about life in general. Every relationship needs focused time for sharing and caring. Without that time, we are just workers, bill payers, house cleaners and errand runners. Intimacy can recharge the spirit and make life worthwhile.
Work on Yourself First
Take a moment to evaluate the following statements.
Never use someone else's bad behavior to justify your own. It seems like every time I start a new diet, my husband brings home cookie dough, ice cream, bread and pasta. When I cheat, I blame the food and ignore the fact that it was ultimately my decision to put it in my mouth. A few years back, I decided that I wasn't going to do that anymore. I vowed I would do better for myself no matter what temptations surrounded me. That was the year I lost 40 pounds. When he saw that I was TRULY SERIOUS, he began to tow the line and make some positive changes for himself. Every relationship is a work in progress. There's always room for change, even if you've failed at changing before.
- "I'm not getting off Facebook unless SHE gets off Facebook."
- "I'm not going to stop buying designer shoes if HE doesn't stop wasting our money on video games."
- "I'm not going to stop drinking if SHE doesn't stop drinking."
- "I'm not going on a diet unless HE goes on a diet with me."
Never use someone else's bad behavior to justify your own. It seems like every time I start a new diet, my husband brings home cookie dough, ice cream, bread and pasta. When I cheat, I blame the food and ignore the fact that it was ultimately my decision to put it in my mouth. A few years back, I decided that I wasn't going to do that anymore. I vowed I would do better for myself no matter what temptations surrounded me. That was the year I lost 40 pounds. When he saw that I was TRULY SERIOUS, he began to tow the line and make some positive changes for himself. Every relationship is a work in progress. There's always room for change, even if you've failed at changing before.
Know the Therapeutic Value of Cuddling
Prolonged touching releases a chemical called oxytocin which calms anxiety, fights depression and lowers blood pressure. I can attest to the miraculous healing power of a lingering hug! Last night, I was absorbed in thought as I wandered toward my office to pay bills. Out of nowhere, my husband grabbed me and said, "Sometimes, you just have to grab her." As I struggled to break free, he squeezed tighter. "Then you gotta squeeze her because she gets away." As those happy chemicals began rolling through my veins, I felt like no amount of worrying could break me. I realized that this exchange was the high point of my day. There is no such thing as being "too busy" to cuddle. I can be equally aggressive when I need love. I've been known to jump into bed and demand my husband to pause his program. No apologies. No regrets!
Know When to Call it Quits
Some issues are too complicated for a short article. Serial cheating, narcissism, physical abuse and drug addiction are classic examples of issues that aren't easily fixed, even by psychiatrists and first rate counselors. If another human being enjoys hurting you physically or destroying you emotionally, don't be afraid to seek help or dissolve the union completely.
When I face friends who are married to narcissists or serial cheaters, I am reminded of Sandra Bullock and Kat Von D, two Hollywood icons who were married to serial cheater Jesse James. If these two exceptionally beautiful and talented women could not inspire loyalty, it's safe to say that a narcissist can't be loyal to anyone. Narcissism is not a mental illness. It's a personality disorder. You can't medicate it like a mood swing or rehabilitate it like an addiction. It would be easier to reform a crack head or lunatic than a full blown narcissist. Some of the kindest and most loving people suffer from addiction or mental trauma. They deserve all of the love, support and patience we can offer. A narcissist deserves nothing more than a swift kick in the ass on the way out the door.
Traits of a Narcissist
When I face friends who are married to narcissists or serial cheaters, I am reminded of Sandra Bullock and Kat Von D, two Hollywood icons who were married to serial cheater Jesse James. If these two exceptionally beautiful and talented women could not inspire loyalty, it's safe to say that a narcissist can't be loyal to anyone. Narcissism is not a mental illness. It's a personality disorder. You can't medicate it like a mood swing or rehabilitate it like an addiction. It would be easier to reform a crack head or lunatic than a full blown narcissist. Some of the kindest and most loving people suffer from addiction or mental trauma. They deserve all of the love, support and patience we can offer. A narcissist deserves nothing more than a swift kick in the ass on the way out the door.
Traits of a Narcissist
- Lack of empathy for the negative impact they have on your feelings, wishes or needs
- Self absorption combined with a lack of interest in your concerns
- Frequent lying, including lies that are outlandish or easy to verify
- Serial cheating and lack of concern for curfews
- Lack of remorse for the pain they cause
- Bullying, demeaning or belittling others
- Gaslighting (Manipulating you to believe that you're the crazy one)
- Exploiting others to achieve personal gain
- Delusions of grandeur with expectations of superior treatment
- Fixation on fantasies of power and success
- A sense of entitlement with the expectation of obedience from others
- An excessive need for admiration
- Intense envy of others