Toes in the Nose
A Short Story by Bethany Vale
Aubrey Monroe, twenty-nine years old and betrayed by a philandering twerp with shit for brains, woke inside a heavy down sleeping bag stuffed in the back of her SUV. A brutal December chill seeped into her sinus tract. The fierce, stinging pain shot through her cheekbones and spread through the roots of her teeth.
Less than 24 hours ago, she’d been resting in much warmer surroundings when a split second ring from the bedside phone interrupted her nap. Before she could greet the caller, her boyfriend picked up the extension in the kitchen. An angry female voice burst over the line. “I can’t go on like this,” the voice said. “It’s time to make a decision. Will it be her, or will it be me?”
“Hang up and call me on my cell,” said the twerp named Ethan.
“I asked you a question! Will it be her or me?”
“It’s you, baby. It’s you! Just give me a few days to find Aubrey a room. Do you expect me to toss her out in the street? She’s got no place to stay.”
“How is she going to rent a room without a job? I'm not taking over that bill.”
“I would never ask you to do that.”
“What about her family in Detroit?”
“Her mom’s a raging alcoholic. Her dad skipped out when she was five.”
“Does she have any friends?”
“I don’t know! Please, just give me a week. I heard Mrs. Greyson needs help in the stables. With a little luck, we can put her to work there.”
The voice broke into sarcastic laughter. “What makes you think she’ll agree to shovel shit? She might break a fingernail. Just send her back to Detroit and be done with it.”
Before Aubrey could process the assault on her life, a tiny foot brushed the side of her face. It was maybe the most precious foot in the history of feet—creamy peach skin, silky smooth heels and stubby little toes covered in pink nail polish. Ethan’s four-year-old daughter, Katie, liked to sleep with her head facing the foot of the bed. It wasn’t the first time Aubrey woke with toes in the nose, but it would probably be the last. Aside from the quirky upside-down naps, the two of them were best known for building fairy gardens, illustrating their own books and practicing karaoke tunes for Katie's upcoming birthday party. It was a charmed life, and Aubrey couldn’t imagine herself doing anything else.
Perhaps the voice was right. Aubrey wasn’t suited to work in a barn. She often wondered if she was suited to work anywhere. Five years ago, she’d accepted a position as a nanny in a picturesque suburb two hours from Detroit. She hadn’t planned on entering a relationship with the infant’s widowed father, but she was just naive enough to interpret his sexual advances as love. Once the foreplay started, the weekly wages stopped. In the blink of an eye, she was demoted from star employee to live-in girlfriend, diaper wizard, head cook and unpaid bottle washer. Worse yet, she had no legal or biological claims to the child she loved more than life itself.
Tears filled her eyes as she gently lowered the phone back into the cradle. What was it about her that drove men away? Anger still exploded in her chest when she thought of the old boyfriend who’d dumped her for a groupie with pointy black fingernails and tattooed breasts. Her heart still sank to the pit of her stomach when she dreamed of the father who’d left without saying goodbye. Nighttime was the worst. In that weightless space between sleep and consciousness, the image of her father’s bearded face leaked across the back of her eyelids like wet paint. There were plenty of divorced dads who sent birthday gifts and worked out visitation schedules. Why didn’t her dad stay in the game? What was the secret to making a man need you so badly that he’d sacrifice anything to remain by your side?
With that question in mind, she picked up her cell phone and dialed her ex-boyfriend’s extension at the insurance company where he worked as a sales agent. If he was still in the same position he’d occupied five years ago, he would have his own private cubicle and plenty of freedom to take personal calls.
“Good afternoon. This is Steve Sawyer speaking. How can I help you?”
“I’m beyond help,” Aubrey said.
“Sweet Jesus! I know that voice. How the hell have you been?”
“Okay, I guess. “I’ve been taking psychology classes, and I was wondering if you could help me with an assignment.”
“Are you serious?”
“I’m dead serious. I’m supposed to analyze everything that went wrong with my life for an essay focused on self-discovery. I have a question for you, and I need you to give me the most honest answer you can deliver. Don’t worry about hurting my feelings. I’m cool. Everything is cool.”
“Okay,” Steve said. “What’s the question?”
“What was it about me that made you fall out of love? What drove you into another girl’s arms?”
“Is this some kind of trap?” Steve asked.
“Not at all. I just need brutal honesty. What was it about me that made it so easy to leave?”
“First of all, it wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t one specific thing. I do remember that day we drove to Cedar Point. You kept skipping past all my favorite songs on the radio to play your own selections. You said my music disturbed your inner peace. You wouldn’t ride the roller coasters or do shots with me at the hotel bar. I felt like everything about me was too much for you. My music, my energy, my vibe…”
“Is that all?”
“I like girls who wear makeup and do their hair. You stopped all of that a few years after high school.”
“Fair enough. Anything else?”
“I like oral sex, and you stopped that, too. I couldn’t see spending the rest of my life with a woman who didn’t enjoy my taste. I savored you, Aubrey. I drank you up like wine! I don’t want to be the guy who pressures girls to do things they’re uncomfortable doing. It makes more sense to find a partner who likes the things I like, and you should do the same. Seek guys who enjoy your vibe, and forget about the rest.”
“That’s beautiful advice,” Aubrey said. “I want to thank you for your time today.”
And just like that, Aubrey shoplifted one of the most valuable life lessons she’d ever learned. It’s not impossible to get the truth from a man. You just have to convince him that there will be no consequences for his honesty. In the depths of her wounded heart, there lived a madwoman who wanted nothing more than to smash every window in Ethan’s house, but there was nothing to be gained by feeding the monster who resembled her mother. She would never uncover the truth that way, and it would destroy any chances of maintaining a relationship with Katie. Now more than ever, she would have to be cool.
Before confronting the enemy, she thought it best to rearrange her appearance. Like every woman on her mother’s side, she was cursed with pale skin, baby fine hair and long blonde eyelashes. Her crusty tube of mascara was old enough to deliver an eye infection, but she forged ahead without regard to personal hygiene. She was pleased to discover an old blush palette with natural shades of beige and tan. Using a giant applicator brush, she worked a bit of powder into her cheeks, forehead and eyelids. There was no lipstick to be found among her personal effects, so she borrowed the raspberry flavored lip stain from Katie’s box of play makeup. With each new layer of color, her delicate features came to life. When she tested her smile in the mirror, electric blue eyes popped back at her. The change was profound, but there was something missing. Her flat, stringy hair needed a kick in the ass. Without access to hot rollers, she was forced to wind small sections of damp hair around cloth tubes made from rolled ankle socks. A blow dryer provided the necessary heat to lift each section at the root. When she removed the heated socks, glorious blond waves spilled over her shoulders and flowed down the middle of her back. The newly transformed woman in the mirror looked curiously like a young Taylor Swift. It was her first taste of power in God knows how long.
Ethan choked on his coffee when she strutted into the kitchen wearing high heels and a little black dress. He was normally about two inches shorter than her, but today his head barely reached the top of her chin. A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth as she watched him use his shirt sleeve to dry streams of brown liquid from his pointy chin. “Are you okay?” she asked.
“I’m fine. What the hell did you do? You look like you had plastic surgery.”
“It’s just a little makeup. I’m going out to look for a job. Katie is still sleeping, but she’ll be hungry when she gets up. Make her a grilled cheese sandwich, and cut it into bite-sized sections. She won’t eat the pieces if they’re too big.”
“Got it. Do you have a game plan? Have you thought about where you might stop to inquire?”
“Yes,” Aubrey said. “I’ve been thinking about Katie’s future a whole lot lately. She’s never been to preschool, but she reads at the third grade level. That’s because we spend half the day writing captions for our illustrations. She’s not going to get that kind of personalized attention in a kindergarten class with 25 students. If I can land a job as a teacher’s assistant, I can be with her all day.”
Ethan raised an eyebrow. “Don’t you need a degree for that?”
“Nope. The state of Michigan only requires a high school diploma and a background check.”
“That sounds like a brilliant plan. What’s in the duffel bag?”
“Shoes. Jeans. T-shirts. I don’t know how long I can stand to wear these heels. I might need to change if I go apply at the stables.”
The color left Ethan’s face. “You heard my reference to Mrs. Greyson's barn. You heard the whole conversation.”
“It’s okay,” Aubrey said.
“It’s not okay!” he screamed, falling into her arms. “I’ve done a terrible thing to you.”
For a good long moment, Aubrey stood and let his tears saturate the neckline of her dress. What now? So long as he was feeling guilty, she could remind him that he used to pay her $1,600 a month to take care of his child, and the payments stopped four years ago. Technically, he owed her $76,800 to begin a new life. But now wasn’t the time to talk about money. He’d shown great enthusiasm when she told him of her plan to exert daily influence over Katie’s life. If that was all she could get, it would be more than enough. Her only challenge right now was to be his best friend. “No more tears,” she said, kissing the top of his head. “I release you. I release you from the guilt. I release you from worrying about me. I release you from the fear and uncertainty of what’s to come. Everything is fine. You are forgiven.”
On her way out of the kitchen, Aubrey swiped several boxes of dry soup mix from the cupboard and tossed them into a grocery bag. “I want you to tell Katie I went camping,” she said. “If it’s okay with you, I’ll call from the road to tell her a bedtime story. You’ll have a hell of a time getting her to sleep if she thinks I’m gone for good.”
“Of course,” Ethan said.
In the garage, Aubrey helped herself to several items from Ethan’s collection of camping gear: a heavy down sleeping bag, portable potty, propane stove and double insulated cooler. Halfway out of the driveway, she decided that she would need a cooking pot and folding chair, so she ran back to grab more supplies. It was then that she noticed the gorgeous collection of fishing rods attached to a pegboard installed near the garage door. She remembered there was something special about the T&T Paradigm Fly Rod. On their last trip to Tahquamenon Falls, Ethan had bragged that this specific brand was gifted to President Ronald Reagan and First Lady Nancy by the Royal family. At a retail cost of $950, the T&T Paradigm would command around $300 at the local pawn shop. Oddly enough, Ethan rarely used his most expensive rods. He collected them like grandmothers collect china plates. His most pricey rods were stored in an antique wood cabinet inside his home office. There you might find the elegant Oyster Bamboo Rod, a jewel tipped item worth $5,760. She doubted that Ethan would notice any of the missing items right away, as he only went fishing in the summer.
Ethan’s childlike fascination with water toys was a sore subject between them. Each new paddle board and jet ski was cause for an argument, but it was his purchase of a $200,000 pontoon boat that put him in dire financial straits and led to the cancellation of her salary. “We’re a family now,” he said. “Dads don’t pay moms to change diapers. One day, when we're married, you'll love this boat as much as I do, and you'll see how it enhances Katie's life.” The mere mention of marriage launched Aubrey's heart into overdrive, as if a doctor had come along to blast her chest with a defibrillator. She'd waited a lifetime to feel 100 percent secure in a man's love.
Katie was just beginning to walk when Ethan dressed her in a sailor's suit and put her on the boat for the first time. It was quite a job to keep her from running across the deck, standing on the plastic seats and tossing her toys over the rails. Amid the chaos, there were shining moments. Katie loved to smile and wave at the passengers in other boats. "Hi!" she screamed over the sound of the engine and the crashing of the waves. If only one person in the next boat acknowledged her, she would address the second person: "Hi!" If only two people acknowledged her, she would keep going until each person waved back: "Hi, hi , hi!" After exhausting her vocal cords, she loved to stand and point at the seagulls flying over the horizon. “Birdie” was her name for any object moving through the sky, including helicopters, kites and airplanes. Her first kite was fashioned in the shape of a giant terradactyl, but Aubrey quickly shoved that memory to the back of her mind. There were places to go and people to see. If she kept walking down memory lane, her mascara would dissolve in a pool of tears.
The school where Katie was registered to begin kindergarten was less than a quarter mile down the road. The ivy covered building reminded Aubrey of an old man's overgrown beard, but the appearance of the lot was saved by a number of mature pine trees covered in fluffy snow. The school secretary was quick to inform Aubrey that the kindergarten teacher didn’t have an assistant, and it was the school's policy to reserve such positions for college interns. “How about a volunteer?” Aubrey asked. “Could the teacher use a volunteer?”
“I suppose it couldn’t hurt to ask. You’ll find Mr. Dobson in room 36 at the end of the hallway. Class ends at 3 p.m.”
With nothing left to do but wait for the end of the school day, Aubrey stepped outside to grab a breath of fresh air. Before she could get her bearings, Steve’s distinct heavy metal ring tone rattled her phone. “Wow,” Aubrey said. “You must be the last person in the world who still uses signature ring tones.”
“Are you saying I’m getting old?”
“Yes.”
“But this old man helped you out today. That means we’re sort of friends now, right?”
“I guess you could look at it that way.”
“Good because I have a dilemma. I need your opinion.”
“Okay. What’s going on?”
“I’ve been talking to two women on this dating site. I can only afford to take one of them out for dinner this weekend, and I don’t know who to pick.”
“Tell me more about the women,” Aubrey said.
“The first one is an artist. She’s got her own shop on Etsy, and it actually makes money. She likes sunsets and long walks on the beach. The second one is between jobs. She likes to get drunk and go out dancing.”
“Go with the drunk.”
“Are you sure? I thought you’d say the opposite. The artist is deep, like you. She reads novels and shit.”
“Just go have fun. There’s no law that says you have to complicate your life. And by the way. It’s not that I didn’t want to taste it. It’s just that I was never sure where it had been.”
“Ouch,” Steve said. “I guess I deserved that. Would you believe I’m not the same person anymore? Three years ago, I quit drinking and left the band. The only girl who visits my bed is a cocker spaniel named Sally.”
“That’s cute,” Aubrey said, “but I’ve gotta go. I’m on my way to see about a job at Oakdale Elementary School. Good luck on your date this weekend.”
Mr. Dobson's classroom was a light and airy space with toy bins and bookshelves pushed against the walls. Desks were arranged in two long rows facing one another, creating a long runway littered with Legos and stray crayons. Aubrey extended her right hand to a young man with baby soft features and round eyeglasses. "My name is Aubrey Monroe. I'm here to see if you could use a volunteer assistant."
Mr. Dobson looked down at the cluttered floor. "I could use a good janitor at the moment."
"No problem," Aubrey said, stooping to grab a handful of Legos.
"Stop! I was just joking. I'm not used to strangers dropping by to offer free help. What's your story? Are you studying to be a teacher?"
"No, but the thought has crossed my mind. I've spent the last year teaching my 4-year-old daughter how to read. She turns five next month. She knows the top 100 sight words plus 100 more words I put on the list."
"You're kidding me! And how did you accomplish that?"
"We don't just read books and do flash cards. We write our own books and flash cards! I challenge her to come up with a scenario for each picture she draws. I write down all of her ideas, no matter how ridiculous. Her Easter bunny carries a basket full of tacos instead of candy. Her version of the tooth fairy is half human and half kangaroo. At the end of it all, she traces my words in crayon. I've found that she's more likely to remember words connected to plots that come from her own mind."
"Impressive! The school prefers college interns for classroom work, but there’s no law that says I can’t have a guest speaker from time to time. Would you be willing to drop by tomorrow around 11 a.m? We’re starting a unit on the top 20 prepositions. Most of the kids use these words on a daily basis, but I want them to recognize each word on sight."
"I’d love that,” Aubrey said.
“If you’re really excited about working with children, you can apply to be a lunchroom attendant online. I heard two positions are opening in January.”
"I’ll take anything the school will throw at me."
"You could also volunteer to help supervise field trips and do a weekly story hour at the library. Make your face known around the building. Get to know the principal and the staff. With the right people on your side, the board of education might vote to move you into the classroom for a paid position."
"Thanks for the tip. You have no idea how much this means to me, Mr. Dobson."
The rest of the day flew by like lightening. A quick trip to the pawn shop left Aubrey with three hundred glorious dollars to spend. She dropped fifty bucks on an annual membership to Fitness USA for shower access and overnight parking. She hit the community library to charge her phone and take advantage of the free computer access to send out resumes. At Walmart, she splurged on new cosmetics, shower supplies and a thermal insulated hoodie designed for hunters. Her empty stomach cried out for spaghetti with fresh hamburger meat, but she couldn't imagine how she might drain the meat and dump the grease from the back of an SUV. She settled upon rotisserie chicken, sandwich fixings, a carton of eggs and three tubes of ground turkey sausage. In the parking lot, she packed a generous amount of snow around the perishable items in her cooler and prayed they'd stay fresh for the remainder of the week.
With around a hundred dollars left to her name, Aubrey was tempted to rent a cheap room and pass the evening watching movies in bed. A quick look at her fuel gauge convinced her to save the rest of the money for gas. She headed to the local park to kill those awkward hours between 7 p.m. and bed time. Her first hobo meal was a tasty stew made from grilled sausage and creamy potato soup mix. She didn't mind cooking outside or sitting in a camp chair to drink her dinner from an old metal cup. Her only problem was the profound sense of loneliness building within in her chest. The park was a vast, desolate space with no footprints in the snow except for her own. The sound of the wind whistling through the trees was enough to freeze her soul. In her day, a public park near an elementary school would've been filled with children riding sleds, building snowmen and hurling snowballs at one another. There would've been no parental supervision, and most kids wouldn't have considered leaving until the street lights came on. What did today's children do to pass the winter? Did the spirit of adventure die with previous generations, or was it still possible to pull kids away from their Smartphones and video games? Aubrey decided it would be fun to find out. Her favorite social group on Facebook was a place where local moms shared family photos and announcements for children’s events. She had never posted an advertisement within the group, but now was as good a time as any.
ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING WITH AUBREY MONROE: I specialize in taking children to parks where they can enjoy nature walks, sledding, building snowmen and pitching snowballs. Send a private message to book your appointment today!
To make the ad more visually exciting, Aubrey included a recent picture of her and Katie standing beside a snowman with the neighbor’s kids running in the background. Before she could put away her phone, a bell went off to notify her that there was a comment. "How much?" asked a woman named Brenda Forrester.
Aubrey panicked. She should have thought about pricing before posting the advertisement. Now she would have to come up with a fee schedule on the fly. "I charge $10 an hour for families with one or two kids and $15 an hour for families with three to five kids," she typed.
"What happens if the kids have to pee?" asked a chick named Lindsey Greer.
"The community center building is right next door to the park," Aubrey said. "We can pop inside to use the facilities anytime."
"Can you keep my kids out there all night?" joked a woman named Pamela Moore.
"LOL," Aubrey replied. "My outdoor sessions run between 3:30 and 7:30 p.m. If you need additional time, I can bring the children indoors when they finish playing."
New comments came faster than Aubrey could reply, but nobody bothered to inbox a serious inquiry. "I'm going to sign off now," Aubrey typed at the bottom of the thread. "Inbox me if you'd like to book an appointment."
Around 8 p.m., Aubrey transferred her car to the parking lot at Fitness USA and unrolled her sleeping bag across the cargo area. With the new thermal hoodie layered under her usual winter coat, she didn't feel particularly cold or desperate. It was time to call Katie for a bedtime story, and that thought brought a smile to her lips. "Guess what!" Katie screamed into the phone. "I was sad cause I didn't get to go camping with you, so Daddy made a big tent in the living room. He said we can sleep here all week if I want. And tomorrow, I'm going to stay with Grandma while daddy works."
"Way to go!" Aubrey said. "Be sure to tell your grandma I said hello. Are you ready for a bedtime story?"
"Me first! I wrote a story for you, and I'm still working on the pictures."
Katie's story was about a cat who decided to go camping all by himself. While the owners searched the neighborhood for their lost pet, the cat found an empty dog house to occupy. A wise owl living in the tree above the doghouse came down to warn the cat that his family would be worried if he stayed away too long. "I know it's fun to camp," the owl said, "but it’s way more fun to camp with your family."
A deep, dark rage moved through Aubrey's spirit. For the rest of her childhood, Katie would think that her mother went camping and never came home. She longed to tell Katie that it wasn't her decision to skip out, but she wasn't cruel enough to incite drama at this pivotal moment in her daughter's life. To end the conversation on a more positive note, Aubrey said she’d been working at the school to save money to buy presents for Katie's upcoming birthday. That's why Katie would have to stay with grandma during the day. It was all planned so that Aubrey could go out and earn money for gifts! December would be the best month ever. First, there would be a birthday party. Ten days later, Santa would come. The following week, they would start Kindergarten together like a team!
After Katie went to sleep, Ethan called Aubrey's cell phone to talk for a bit. He seemed genuinely excited to hear that there were two open positions in the school cafeteria. He stressed that he would never thwart her attempts to stay close to Katie, and neither would Bunny.
"Bunny?" Aubrey asked. "What kind of name is that? Is she a stripper or an author of children's books?"
"She was a stripper 20 years ago, but she invested well and bought three nightclubs. She still works behind the bar on weekends.”
“What’s she like?” Aubrey asked.
“You don’t wanna know. I don’t think you’re ready.”
“Try me. I’m fascinated! She's your official girlfriend now. You can't keep her in the shadows forever.”
“Okay. Here goes nothing! Bunny is a notorious exhibitionist. People love her loud mouth and filthy sense of humor. On Freaky Fridays, she wears big T-shirts with naked boobs printed across the chest. She bought a mini vibrator with a remote control so that her best tippers could summon her by pushing a button. On Valentine’s day, she hands out suckers shaped like dicks.”
Aubrey imagined herself snapping Ethan’s neck in half, but she was able to force a convincing laugh. “That’s hilarious!” she said.
“Just wait. It gets better! She gives her male bartenders silly names like Angel Butt and Sassy Pants. For the longest time, I didn’t have a nickname. I was just there to do the accounting and supervise the staff. I felt like an outsider in her fun-filled universe. Then one day, she cleaned out her office and handed me an old bowling ball to throw in the trash. I twisted my fingers into the holes and winked at her suggestively. From that moment on, she dubbed me ‘Stinky Finger,’ and I called her “Sugar Tits.’ The guys got the biggest kick out of listening to our banter, and the gals began to smile at me like I was almost human.”
“I get it,” Aubrey said. “Everyone craves acceptance.”
“The more I played up to Bunny, the more she liked me. I found an old Irish fellow to sing dirty limericks on Fridays, and the crowd went wild. I started visiting other clubs to identify the best local acts, and she asked to come along with me. Next thing I know, I’m not just managing one of her bars. I’m the guy who manages the managers who manage her bars. The money changed my life. I let the bank repossess my trailer and moved my pregnant wife into a proper house.”
“At what point did you and Bunny decide to hook up?” Aubrey asked.
“It wasn't a conscious decision. I was consumed by depression when Katie’s mom died. The only thing that kept me from jumping off a bridge was the thought of my daughter growing up without parents. I was drunk in my office one night, and Bunny came to comfort me. One thing led to another, and it was just the distraction I needed at the time. On the day you moved into my house, I was a stone cold alcoholic banging a woman 15 years older than me. My only goal in life was to hire someone to keep my daughter alive so I could keep drinking.”
“Wow. I had no idea!”
“Remember how I used to refuse breakfast in the morning? That’s because I didn’t want the food to counteract the shots I dumped into my coffee at work. When you came into my life, it was like God had ripped the roof off my home to let the sun flood every corner. Little by little, I started eating again. Day by day, I grew beyond the darkness and stepped into your light. I desperately wanted to end my relationship with Bunny, but she’s the puppet master, and I’m her marionette. If I walk away from the franchise, I lose everything. The house, the car, the boat...everything! If it weren’t for Katie, I’d be willing to let the bank seize my assets and take a dive into poverty with you. I would proudly sleep in the sewer just to lay by your side.”
“I’d never ask you to do that,” Aubrey said. “I know what poverty looks like. My mom and dad rented a studio apartment above an old man's rat infested garage. I don’t mind the idea of Katie growing up in a nice neighborhood with good schools."
"Where are you staying tonight?" Ethan asked. "Are you warm enough?"
"I've got your best down sleeping bag in the back of my SUV. I used the propane stove to cook dinner, and I drank enough hot soup to give myself a fever. I'm doing great. I'm just worried about Katie's birthday party. I told her that I took a job at the school to save money for presents. Promise me we'll work together to make this a birthday she'll remember for the rest of her life. If we can flood her mind with good memories this month, she might not feel so devastated by the transition."
"It's a deal," Ethan said. "Do you need anything? I can leave some cash in the mailbox for you."
"I'm fine. Use the money to buy a karaoke machine. Wrap it up real pretty, and put my name on the card."
A few hours later, in that old familiar realm between consciousness and sleep, Aubrey's dad floated into the car on a beam of light. She felt him flow into her sleeping bag and wrap his essence around her shivering body. He offered no words to convey his message of desperation. Only his energy whispered deep, agonizing regret. For the first time in a lifetime, the spiritual being at Aubrey's core understood the difficult decisions that immature souls face along the road to adulthood. Within that understanding grew a fragile and quivering bud of forgiveness. Her dad was 17 years old when she came into the world and 22 when he left her. If she could forgive the child within him, perhaps Katie could forgive the two children raising her. As her father's spirit left the car, a frigid blast of air entered her nostrils and drove icicles into her brain. The fierce, stinging pain shot through her cheekbones and spread through the roots of her teeth. She longed for a ski mask to protect her face from the cold, but there were no such items inside the travel bag she'd thrown together at Ethan's house. There was no getting around it. It was time to wake up and fill the car with heat.
Just before midnight, Aubrey popped into Walmart to pick up a ski mask and two pairs of thermal socks. In the parking lot, she prepared a nice turkey sandwich topped with pickle slices and Swiss cheese. With the car heater on full blast, she was able to relax and enjoy watching a YouTube documentary about a group of college students on a backpacking excursion across New Zealand. If a bunch of spoiled American kids could learn to love hiking through bug infested forests and sleeping in a small tents pelted by freezing rain, surely she could find a way to make SUV life tolerable.
Before settling back into her sleeping bag, she logged into Facebook to check for replies to her babysitting ad. Two moms wanted her to take their children to the park, but one of them was extra desperate. A sudden schedule change left her working until 6:30 p.m., and there was no one available to pick up her three boys after school. She didn't care if her kids spent the time building snowmen or playing basketball inside the community center gym. She only needed someone to supervise their activities, as they were prone to separating from groups and bucking authority. In fact, they'd been kicked out of the school’s latchkey program for leaving the building to wander the parking lot. She warned that the 9-year old could be cocky and argumentative, but the seven-year-old twins had some semblance of respect for authority. Aubrey was quick to accept the gig. Forty five bucks was a homeless person’s dream come true! She spent her last waking moments comparing rates at some of the more reputable budget motels in town.
First thing in the morning, a bell went off to signify a text from Steve. “I lied about the two women on the dating site,” he said. “I just wanted an excuse to call you.”
Her reply was short and sweet. “I lied about the psychology class. I’m living in my SUV.”
Showering at the gym wasn’t as easy as Aubrey thought it would be. She didn’t like the idea of leaving her gym bag on the counter outside the shower stall, so she entered the building with one outfit and one towel stuffed inside a plastic grocery bag. It would’ve been nice to have a pair of flip flops to protect her feet from unseen bacteria and fungus on the floor, but it was something she’d forgotten to consider on her last trip to Walmart. She longed to stand and savor the hot water flowing down her body, but there was no time to waste. She got out quickly and pushed her soggy feet into a pair of old tennis shoes. In the car, she cleaned her feet with alcohol wipes and applied her makeup using a travel mirror. She decided to let her hair dry naturally while she attended to more important business.
She arrived at the school a full hour before her scheduled debut. Using paper and pencils borrowed from the school secretary, she went back out to the car to prepare her first lesson plan. Her simple drawing depicted a birdhouse with several happy sparrows scattered about. The first bird sat “on” the house. The second bird peeked out from “inside” the door frame. A third bird stood “beside” the house. Two more birds flew “above” the scene. The finished work included many more common propositions to denote spatial relationships, including words like around, behind, between, near and under.
Before class began, Aubrey popped into the office to make several copies of the birdhouse diagram. The drawing was well received, but it was Mr. Dobson’s charisma that knocked the lesson out of the park. After the children colored their pictures and traced the target words in crayon, Mr. Dobson hopped up on his desk and flapped his arms like a hysterical turkey. “Where am I?” he asked the children.
“On the desk!” shouted several voices.
Mr. Dobson tilted his head toward the blackboard, and Aubrey immediately picked up the cue. She grabbed a piece of chalk to write the target words in huge capital letters. Before she could fully process what was coming next, Mr. Dobson disappeared under the desk. “Where am I now?” he asked. There was a difference of opinion this time, as some children perceived him to be “under” the desk and others perceived him to be “inside” of it. “You’re all correct!” he shouted as Aubrey wrote down both target words. “I have never seen such smart children in my life.” At the far corner of the room, a little girl with long braids and big glasses beamed from ear to ear, as if he’d delivered the compliment directly to her. He held her gaze for a long moment and broke the spell with a quick wink. In that instant, Aubrey decided that this angel faced teacher was her new favorite person. Too many adults forgot to stop and savor those little reaches for acknowledgement. Her own parents made hot dogs for dinner and planted her in front of the television while they worked themselves into a drunken stupor.
Just before class ended, Mr. Dobson told Aubrey to run to the office and make 25 more copies of her master drawing. He instructed the children to take the flyers home, color the pictures and trace the words one more time. After the final bell, Aubrey was tempted to hang around and get to know Mr. Dobson a little better, but it was time to meet her new babysitting clients outside the school building. As she stood waiting in the freezing rain, Steve’s annoying ring tone stabbed her in the ear. “Did you get the job?” he asked.
“How many times a day are you going to call me?”
“Come on. You love it, and you know it.”
Sadly, she did love it. When she heard his rich, decadent voice, it was hard not to picture him hovering above her with long strands of dark brown hair clinging to the sides of his glistening face. She loved the way he maintained hypnotic eye contact as he lowered himself inside her. Unlike Ethan, he took the time to build a slow, euphoric rhythm before escalating to a more fervent pace. In the glow of his light, she felt electrified. Like the giant Christmas tree at the mall, she was suddenly a luminous thing of beauty. For the first time in her lonely life, she felt like she’d been seen. She was far too young to understand that his light was a dangerous instrument that could be pointed in many directions. On stage, he blew up like a roman candle and showered the audience with searing hot sparks. Too many girls competed for a breath of his fire, and she doubted he could ever be satisfied with just one of them. Getting over him was no easy ride. She was prone to imagining Steve’s handsome face when Ethan climbed on top of her. While Ethan went out to cheat with his body, she stayed home to cheat with her mind. It took many years to kick Steve out of her head. Did she need that kind of baggage as she took her first awkward steps toward starting a new life? “It’s sweet of you to check on me,” she said, “but I have to go. I landed an after-school babysitting gig, and I desperately need the cash.”
The babysitting gig turned out to be one of the easiest assignments she’d ever taken. The seven-year-old twins were gorgeous creatures with deep brown eyes and matching buzz cuts. The eldest child looked just like a taller version of his young brothers. Since the freezing rain had created an icy film over the snow in the park, she decided to take the boys inside the community center building to shoot hoops. As she watched them play from the bleachers, Steve rang her phone again. “Don’t hang up,” he said. “I have a proposition for you.”
“Oh?”
“I want to call you six times a day, and you don’t want me to call at all. Let’s compromise. How does three times sound?”
“Stop. You’re going to make me cry. You have no idea what I’ve been through in the last two days.”
“Why don’t you tell me about it?”
Against her own better judgement, Aubrey launched into a play-by-play account of the painful ordeal that forced her to seek refuge in the parking lot outside Fitness USA. It felt good to vent. She’d been playing it cool to secure the right to remain close to Katie, but dark clouds of anger and fear still swirled behind her rib cage like little tornadoes fighting their way to the surface. There weren’t many people she could call when anxiety threatened to rip her apart at the seams. Steve had been her best friend from the moment they dissected their first frog in 9th grade biology class. He was a rock-n-roll loving rebel at a school where most kids were obsessed with rap music. She was the quiet type who existed without much human interaction. Their quest to find the frog’s hidden testicles raised many questions in their young minds. Did frogs “do it” like humans? Was there some kind of courtship ritual, or did the male frog simply attach himself to an unsuspecting female hopping along on a Tuesday morning? The private discussion caused so many giggles that the teacher found it necessary to separate the two of them. On a subsequent trip to the school library to look up information about frog mating practices, they quickly learned that they couldn’t do anything together without dissolving into wild fits of laughter. As much as Aubrey wanted to beat him senseless for events that transpired ten years into their relationship, she still needed that silly boy who’d helped her find her smile.
Later that evening, Aubrey was surprised to learn that Katie had some grown up questions swirling through her head. “Do you remember that book about the boy whose parents lived in two houses?” she asked.
“Yes,” Aubrey said. “I’m surprised you remember.”
“I remember everything. I know all my dinosaurs and every letter in the alphabet. I can spell divorce, too. D-I-V-O-R-C-E. You aren’t camping, are you?”
“Put Daddy on the phone,” Aubrey said.
“No! Daddy lies. Grandma lies. I can’t talk to anyone. They think I’m stupid, but they’re the stupid ones. Grandma doesn’t know how to use the internet, and Daddy can’t even find a matching pair of socks.”
“I’m sure they’re doing the best they can. Give them some time, honey. They’ll get it together.”
“Daddy says I can go to the mall with you on Sunday. Is that true?”
“If he wants it to be true, I'll pick you up first thing in the morning.”
“Am I still having a birthday party?”
“Of course.”
“Are you getting a house so I can come visit you on the weekend, like the boy in the book?”
At that point, Ethan swiped the phone. “See what I’m dealing with? It’s a mess. I have to hide in the closet to talk to grandma on the phone because our little girl is a master eavesdropper. She's smarter than all of us, and she knows it! This morning, she called me a dummy because I can’t pronounce the names of her favorite dinosaurs. Please take this child to the mall on Sunday! It’s Bunny’s only day off, and she would prefer to spend some time alone with me.”
A sudden rush of adrenaline kicked Aubrey’s heart into high gear, but it was nothing like the terrible anxiety that flowed through her body a few hours earlier. It was more like the surge of power she felt when she put on high heels and stood next to Ethan for the first time. “I have a better idea,” she said. “Since you and Bunny are chained to the club scene on Fridays and Saturdays, just book me a weekend package at the Econo Lodge. The deal includes pizza coupons and unlimited access to a big indoor pool. I’ll show Katie the time of her life, and we can still kill a whole Sunday at the mall. Better yet, I’ll enroll her in dance lessons and take her ice skating on Sundays. I promise you she’ll have more fun than she ever had when I was living at your house. She’ll look forward to our three-day adventure every week! I’ll be sure to sing your praises and stress that you and Bunny made the whole thing possible.”
An awkward silence fell between them. Had she pushed the concept of spending Sundays with Katie too far? A recurring three-day weekend was dangerously close to a custody arrangement between traditionally divorced people. Was he ready for all that? His final reply was punctuated by tiny yelps and congested sniffles. “You amaze me,” he said. “I’ve done nothing to deserve your devotion, but you give it so freely. Bunny is going to love this idea, and Katie won’t grow up hating any of us.”
Aubrey was still drunk on her own power when she sank down into the fluffy sleeping bag that failed her the night before. Thankfully, the temperature had risen to 45 degrees, and the parking lot at Fitness USA was now covered in slush. Large drops of condensation slid down the windows, creating delightful streams that danced and shimmered in the wind. It was the perfect time to grab a good night’s sleep, but her active mind had other ideas. If she could will a weekly motel package into existence, what else could she conjure out of thin air? What fears could she face? What mountains could she climb? She imagined herself landing a paid position as a lunch attendant and saving enough money to enroll in the elementary education program at the local community college. So long as she was dreaming, she let her mind wander ahead to the spring. She wondered what might happen if she hosted an event for 15 children on Ethan’s boat. At $20 per kid, she could make $300 in one hour. If she could convince Ethan to run ten boat tours on his day off, they could turn $300 into $3,000 and throw it toward her tuition. Perhaps it was time to forgive Ethan in a more genuine way that went beyond the selfish desire to remain close to his daughter. It wouldn’t kill her to recognize his pain instead of dwelling upon her own. When the love of his life died in childbirth, he landed in a relationship with a caregiver who could never love him as much as she loved the man who came before him. If this Bunny chick loved Ethan as fiercely as Katie’s mom did, he was truly better off in the long run.
Amid the outrageous fantasies of wealth, career satisfaction and everlasting friendship with Ethan, a nagging disappointment tugged at Aubrey’s heart. It was close to 10 p.m., and Steve hadn’t tried to call her since she left the community center building. She couldn’t blame him if he was a little freaked out by the full story of what a mess her life had become. While he had grown into a more stable person, she had fallen into a state of chaos. She fought the urge to text him by snacking on granola cereal straight from the box. Finally, around midnight, his signature ring tone exploded in her car. “Look out the window,” he said. “I’m parked right across from you.”
As Aubrey approached Steve’s vehicle, the cocker spaniel he’d mentioned yesterday stepped across his lap and popped her head out the driver’s side window. A chaotic round of barking prevented them from greeting one another in a proper human way. “Go lay down!” Steve shouted. Sally did not obey. Aubrey slipped into the passenger seat to let the dog sniff her out and calm down naturally. “Is this your new girlfriend?” she asked.
“I guess so.”
“She’s cuter than me. I’m jealous.”
“Don’t be. You smell way better, and you don’t fart all night.”
“I have some rotisserie chicken in my cooler. I could grab her a snack.”
“Business first,” Steve said, handing her a credit card. “I’m here to make sure you don’t freeze to death next time the temperature drops. Use this card to put a deposit on a studio apartment and pay the first month’s rent. That should buy you enough time to find a job.”
Aubrey pushed his hand away from her. “I can’t accept this.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’ve gone into debt for lesser things. I called to add your name as an authorized user. If you’re still hell bent on living in your car, take my card to the nearest college and enroll in the education program. Babysitting is fine for now, but you were meant to be a teacher. Pay for two semesters if you can. There’s a $25,000 limit, and my credit is good.”
Tears flooded Aubrey's eyes. “You don’t have to do this,” she said.
“Just take it. I was so bad to you. You landed at Ethan’s house because of me. I was a child in a man’s body. I couldn’t handle the attention when a decent band finally decided to put me on stage. My actions changed the course of your life, and I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry! Every day of my life, I’m sorry.”
“I’ll pay you back when I get on my feet,” she said.
“It’s not a loan. It’s a gift with no strings attached. I won’t keep blowing up your phone. I know you have a life to live and a future to create. I’m prepared to turn this car around and leave you here to figure out what you need on your own terms.”
The thought of Steve’s car disappearing into the night filled Aubrey with terror. Where was the fearless woman who willed a joint custody arrangement into existence through the power of suggestion? That girl had a head full of fantasies and a solution for everything. Why was she suddenly afraid to speak her dreams into reality? She wasn’t sure if Steve was here to reignite an old flame or alleviate his own guilt, but she knew she held the power to conjure magic when she tried. She chose her words carefully with full understanding that she could never visit this moment in time again. “Looks like we have a dilemma on our hands. I want to go down on you six times, but you want to drive back to Detroit. So how about three times? Is three times good with you?”
Steve burst into a fit of laughter so loud that Sally took to yelping and farting in the back seat. The contagious vibe infected Aubrey with a violent case of the giggles. Even as he closed his arms around her, the deep abdominal contractions threatened to stop her heart. “This is why I love you,” he said. “This is why I can’t live without you.”
Less than 24 hours ago, she’d been resting in much warmer surroundings when a split second ring from the bedside phone interrupted her nap. Before she could greet the caller, her boyfriend picked up the extension in the kitchen. An angry female voice burst over the line. “I can’t go on like this,” the voice said. “It’s time to make a decision. Will it be her, or will it be me?”
“Hang up and call me on my cell,” said the twerp named Ethan.
“I asked you a question! Will it be her or me?”
“It’s you, baby. It’s you! Just give me a few days to find Aubrey a room. Do you expect me to toss her out in the street? She’s got no place to stay.”
“How is she going to rent a room without a job? I'm not taking over that bill.”
“I would never ask you to do that.”
“What about her family in Detroit?”
“Her mom’s a raging alcoholic. Her dad skipped out when she was five.”
“Does she have any friends?”
“I don’t know! Please, just give me a week. I heard Mrs. Greyson needs help in the stables. With a little luck, we can put her to work there.”
The voice broke into sarcastic laughter. “What makes you think she’ll agree to shovel shit? She might break a fingernail. Just send her back to Detroit and be done with it.”
Before Aubrey could process the assault on her life, a tiny foot brushed the side of her face. It was maybe the most precious foot in the history of feet—creamy peach skin, silky smooth heels and stubby little toes covered in pink nail polish. Ethan’s four-year-old daughter, Katie, liked to sleep with her head facing the foot of the bed. It wasn’t the first time Aubrey woke with toes in the nose, but it would probably be the last. Aside from the quirky upside-down naps, the two of them were best known for building fairy gardens, illustrating their own books and practicing karaoke tunes for Katie's upcoming birthday party. It was a charmed life, and Aubrey couldn’t imagine herself doing anything else.
Perhaps the voice was right. Aubrey wasn’t suited to work in a barn. She often wondered if she was suited to work anywhere. Five years ago, she’d accepted a position as a nanny in a picturesque suburb two hours from Detroit. She hadn’t planned on entering a relationship with the infant’s widowed father, but she was just naive enough to interpret his sexual advances as love. Once the foreplay started, the weekly wages stopped. In the blink of an eye, she was demoted from star employee to live-in girlfriend, diaper wizard, head cook and unpaid bottle washer. Worse yet, she had no legal or biological claims to the child she loved more than life itself.
Tears filled her eyes as she gently lowered the phone back into the cradle. What was it about her that drove men away? Anger still exploded in her chest when she thought of the old boyfriend who’d dumped her for a groupie with pointy black fingernails and tattooed breasts. Her heart still sank to the pit of her stomach when she dreamed of the father who’d left without saying goodbye. Nighttime was the worst. In that weightless space between sleep and consciousness, the image of her father’s bearded face leaked across the back of her eyelids like wet paint. There were plenty of divorced dads who sent birthday gifts and worked out visitation schedules. Why didn’t her dad stay in the game? What was the secret to making a man need you so badly that he’d sacrifice anything to remain by your side?
With that question in mind, she picked up her cell phone and dialed her ex-boyfriend’s extension at the insurance company where he worked as a sales agent. If he was still in the same position he’d occupied five years ago, he would have his own private cubicle and plenty of freedom to take personal calls.
“Good afternoon. This is Steve Sawyer speaking. How can I help you?”
“I’m beyond help,” Aubrey said.
“Sweet Jesus! I know that voice. How the hell have you been?”
“Okay, I guess. “I’ve been taking psychology classes, and I was wondering if you could help me with an assignment.”
“Are you serious?”
“I’m dead serious. I’m supposed to analyze everything that went wrong with my life for an essay focused on self-discovery. I have a question for you, and I need you to give me the most honest answer you can deliver. Don’t worry about hurting my feelings. I’m cool. Everything is cool.”
“Okay,” Steve said. “What’s the question?”
“What was it about me that made you fall out of love? What drove you into another girl’s arms?”
“Is this some kind of trap?” Steve asked.
“Not at all. I just need brutal honesty. What was it about me that made it so easy to leave?”
“First of all, it wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t one specific thing. I do remember that day we drove to Cedar Point. You kept skipping past all my favorite songs on the radio to play your own selections. You said my music disturbed your inner peace. You wouldn’t ride the roller coasters or do shots with me at the hotel bar. I felt like everything about me was too much for you. My music, my energy, my vibe…”
“Is that all?”
“I like girls who wear makeup and do their hair. You stopped all of that a few years after high school.”
“Fair enough. Anything else?”
“I like oral sex, and you stopped that, too. I couldn’t see spending the rest of my life with a woman who didn’t enjoy my taste. I savored you, Aubrey. I drank you up like wine! I don’t want to be the guy who pressures girls to do things they’re uncomfortable doing. It makes more sense to find a partner who likes the things I like, and you should do the same. Seek guys who enjoy your vibe, and forget about the rest.”
“That’s beautiful advice,” Aubrey said. “I want to thank you for your time today.”
And just like that, Aubrey shoplifted one of the most valuable life lessons she’d ever learned. It’s not impossible to get the truth from a man. You just have to convince him that there will be no consequences for his honesty. In the depths of her wounded heart, there lived a madwoman who wanted nothing more than to smash every window in Ethan’s house, but there was nothing to be gained by feeding the monster who resembled her mother. She would never uncover the truth that way, and it would destroy any chances of maintaining a relationship with Katie. Now more than ever, she would have to be cool.
Before confronting the enemy, she thought it best to rearrange her appearance. Like every woman on her mother’s side, she was cursed with pale skin, baby fine hair and long blonde eyelashes. Her crusty tube of mascara was old enough to deliver an eye infection, but she forged ahead without regard to personal hygiene. She was pleased to discover an old blush palette with natural shades of beige and tan. Using a giant applicator brush, she worked a bit of powder into her cheeks, forehead and eyelids. There was no lipstick to be found among her personal effects, so she borrowed the raspberry flavored lip stain from Katie’s box of play makeup. With each new layer of color, her delicate features came to life. When she tested her smile in the mirror, electric blue eyes popped back at her. The change was profound, but there was something missing. Her flat, stringy hair needed a kick in the ass. Without access to hot rollers, she was forced to wind small sections of damp hair around cloth tubes made from rolled ankle socks. A blow dryer provided the necessary heat to lift each section at the root. When she removed the heated socks, glorious blond waves spilled over her shoulders and flowed down the middle of her back. The newly transformed woman in the mirror looked curiously like a young Taylor Swift. It was her first taste of power in God knows how long.
Ethan choked on his coffee when she strutted into the kitchen wearing high heels and a little black dress. He was normally about two inches shorter than her, but today his head barely reached the top of her chin. A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth as she watched him use his shirt sleeve to dry streams of brown liquid from his pointy chin. “Are you okay?” she asked.
“I’m fine. What the hell did you do? You look like you had plastic surgery.”
“It’s just a little makeup. I’m going out to look for a job. Katie is still sleeping, but she’ll be hungry when she gets up. Make her a grilled cheese sandwich, and cut it into bite-sized sections. She won’t eat the pieces if they’re too big.”
“Got it. Do you have a game plan? Have you thought about where you might stop to inquire?”
“Yes,” Aubrey said. “I’ve been thinking about Katie’s future a whole lot lately. She’s never been to preschool, but she reads at the third grade level. That’s because we spend half the day writing captions for our illustrations. She’s not going to get that kind of personalized attention in a kindergarten class with 25 students. If I can land a job as a teacher’s assistant, I can be with her all day.”
Ethan raised an eyebrow. “Don’t you need a degree for that?”
“Nope. The state of Michigan only requires a high school diploma and a background check.”
“That sounds like a brilliant plan. What’s in the duffel bag?”
“Shoes. Jeans. T-shirts. I don’t know how long I can stand to wear these heels. I might need to change if I go apply at the stables.”
The color left Ethan’s face. “You heard my reference to Mrs. Greyson's barn. You heard the whole conversation.”
“It’s okay,” Aubrey said.
“It’s not okay!” he screamed, falling into her arms. “I’ve done a terrible thing to you.”
For a good long moment, Aubrey stood and let his tears saturate the neckline of her dress. What now? So long as he was feeling guilty, she could remind him that he used to pay her $1,600 a month to take care of his child, and the payments stopped four years ago. Technically, he owed her $76,800 to begin a new life. But now wasn’t the time to talk about money. He’d shown great enthusiasm when she told him of her plan to exert daily influence over Katie’s life. If that was all she could get, it would be more than enough. Her only challenge right now was to be his best friend. “No more tears,” she said, kissing the top of his head. “I release you. I release you from the guilt. I release you from worrying about me. I release you from the fear and uncertainty of what’s to come. Everything is fine. You are forgiven.”
On her way out of the kitchen, Aubrey swiped several boxes of dry soup mix from the cupboard and tossed them into a grocery bag. “I want you to tell Katie I went camping,” she said. “If it’s okay with you, I’ll call from the road to tell her a bedtime story. You’ll have a hell of a time getting her to sleep if she thinks I’m gone for good.”
“Of course,” Ethan said.
In the garage, Aubrey helped herself to several items from Ethan’s collection of camping gear: a heavy down sleeping bag, portable potty, propane stove and double insulated cooler. Halfway out of the driveway, she decided that she would need a cooking pot and folding chair, so she ran back to grab more supplies. It was then that she noticed the gorgeous collection of fishing rods attached to a pegboard installed near the garage door. She remembered there was something special about the T&T Paradigm Fly Rod. On their last trip to Tahquamenon Falls, Ethan had bragged that this specific brand was gifted to President Ronald Reagan and First Lady Nancy by the Royal family. At a retail cost of $950, the T&T Paradigm would command around $300 at the local pawn shop. Oddly enough, Ethan rarely used his most expensive rods. He collected them like grandmothers collect china plates. His most pricey rods were stored in an antique wood cabinet inside his home office. There you might find the elegant Oyster Bamboo Rod, a jewel tipped item worth $5,760. She doubted that Ethan would notice any of the missing items right away, as he only went fishing in the summer.
Ethan’s childlike fascination with water toys was a sore subject between them. Each new paddle board and jet ski was cause for an argument, but it was his purchase of a $200,000 pontoon boat that put him in dire financial straits and led to the cancellation of her salary. “We’re a family now,” he said. “Dads don’t pay moms to change diapers. One day, when we're married, you'll love this boat as much as I do, and you'll see how it enhances Katie's life.” The mere mention of marriage launched Aubrey's heart into overdrive, as if a doctor had come along to blast her chest with a defibrillator. She'd waited a lifetime to feel 100 percent secure in a man's love.
Katie was just beginning to walk when Ethan dressed her in a sailor's suit and put her on the boat for the first time. It was quite a job to keep her from running across the deck, standing on the plastic seats and tossing her toys over the rails. Amid the chaos, there were shining moments. Katie loved to smile and wave at the passengers in other boats. "Hi!" she screamed over the sound of the engine and the crashing of the waves. If only one person in the next boat acknowledged her, she would address the second person: "Hi!" If only two people acknowledged her, she would keep going until each person waved back: "Hi, hi , hi!" After exhausting her vocal cords, she loved to stand and point at the seagulls flying over the horizon. “Birdie” was her name for any object moving through the sky, including helicopters, kites and airplanes. Her first kite was fashioned in the shape of a giant terradactyl, but Aubrey quickly shoved that memory to the back of her mind. There were places to go and people to see. If she kept walking down memory lane, her mascara would dissolve in a pool of tears.
The school where Katie was registered to begin kindergarten was less than a quarter mile down the road. The ivy covered building reminded Aubrey of an old man's overgrown beard, but the appearance of the lot was saved by a number of mature pine trees covered in fluffy snow. The school secretary was quick to inform Aubrey that the kindergarten teacher didn’t have an assistant, and it was the school's policy to reserve such positions for college interns. “How about a volunteer?” Aubrey asked. “Could the teacher use a volunteer?”
“I suppose it couldn’t hurt to ask. You’ll find Mr. Dobson in room 36 at the end of the hallway. Class ends at 3 p.m.”
With nothing left to do but wait for the end of the school day, Aubrey stepped outside to grab a breath of fresh air. Before she could get her bearings, Steve’s distinct heavy metal ring tone rattled her phone. “Wow,” Aubrey said. “You must be the last person in the world who still uses signature ring tones.”
“Are you saying I’m getting old?”
“Yes.”
“But this old man helped you out today. That means we’re sort of friends now, right?”
“I guess you could look at it that way.”
“Good because I have a dilemma. I need your opinion.”
“Okay. What’s going on?”
“I’ve been talking to two women on this dating site. I can only afford to take one of them out for dinner this weekend, and I don’t know who to pick.”
“Tell me more about the women,” Aubrey said.
“The first one is an artist. She’s got her own shop on Etsy, and it actually makes money. She likes sunsets and long walks on the beach. The second one is between jobs. She likes to get drunk and go out dancing.”
“Go with the drunk.”
“Are you sure? I thought you’d say the opposite. The artist is deep, like you. She reads novels and shit.”
“Just go have fun. There’s no law that says you have to complicate your life. And by the way. It’s not that I didn’t want to taste it. It’s just that I was never sure where it had been.”
“Ouch,” Steve said. “I guess I deserved that. Would you believe I’m not the same person anymore? Three years ago, I quit drinking and left the band. The only girl who visits my bed is a cocker spaniel named Sally.”
“That’s cute,” Aubrey said, “but I’ve gotta go. I’m on my way to see about a job at Oakdale Elementary School. Good luck on your date this weekend.”
Mr. Dobson's classroom was a light and airy space with toy bins and bookshelves pushed against the walls. Desks were arranged in two long rows facing one another, creating a long runway littered with Legos and stray crayons. Aubrey extended her right hand to a young man with baby soft features and round eyeglasses. "My name is Aubrey Monroe. I'm here to see if you could use a volunteer assistant."
Mr. Dobson looked down at the cluttered floor. "I could use a good janitor at the moment."
"No problem," Aubrey said, stooping to grab a handful of Legos.
"Stop! I was just joking. I'm not used to strangers dropping by to offer free help. What's your story? Are you studying to be a teacher?"
"No, but the thought has crossed my mind. I've spent the last year teaching my 4-year-old daughter how to read. She turns five next month. She knows the top 100 sight words plus 100 more words I put on the list."
"You're kidding me! And how did you accomplish that?"
"We don't just read books and do flash cards. We write our own books and flash cards! I challenge her to come up with a scenario for each picture she draws. I write down all of her ideas, no matter how ridiculous. Her Easter bunny carries a basket full of tacos instead of candy. Her version of the tooth fairy is half human and half kangaroo. At the end of it all, she traces my words in crayon. I've found that she's more likely to remember words connected to plots that come from her own mind."
"Impressive! The school prefers college interns for classroom work, but there’s no law that says I can’t have a guest speaker from time to time. Would you be willing to drop by tomorrow around 11 a.m? We’re starting a unit on the top 20 prepositions. Most of the kids use these words on a daily basis, but I want them to recognize each word on sight."
"I’d love that,” Aubrey said.
“If you’re really excited about working with children, you can apply to be a lunchroom attendant online. I heard two positions are opening in January.”
"I’ll take anything the school will throw at me."
"You could also volunteer to help supervise field trips and do a weekly story hour at the library. Make your face known around the building. Get to know the principal and the staff. With the right people on your side, the board of education might vote to move you into the classroom for a paid position."
"Thanks for the tip. You have no idea how much this means to me, Mr. Dobson."
The rest of the day flew by like lightening. A quick trip to the pawn shop left Aubrey with three hundred glorious dollars to spend. She dropped fifty bucks on an annual membership to Fitness USA for shower access and overnight parking. She hit the community library to charge her phone and take advantage of the free computer access to send out resumes. At Walmart, she splurged on new cosmetics, shower supplies and a thermal insulated hoodie designed for hunters. Her empty stomach cried out for spaghetti with fresh hamburger meat, but she couldn't imagine how she might drain the meat and dump the grease from the back of an SUV. She settled upon rotisserie chicken, sandwich fixings, a carton of eggs and three tubes of ground turkey sausage. In the parking lot, she packed a generous amount of snow around the perishable items in her cooler and prayed they'd stay fresh for the remainder of the week.
With around a hundred dollars left to her name, Aubrey was tempted to rent a cheap room and pass the evening watching movies in bed. A quick look at her fuel gauge convinced her to save the rest of the money for gas. She headed to the local park to kill those awkward hours between 7 p.m. and bed time. Her first hobo meal was a tasty stew made from grilled sausage and creamy potato soup mix. She didn't mind cooking outside or sitting in a camp chair to drink her dinner from an old metal cup. Her only problem was the profound sense of loneliness building within in her chest. The park was a vast, desolate space with no footprints in the snow except for her own. The sound of the wind whistling through the trees was enough to freeze her soul. In her day, a public park near an elementary school would've been filled with children riding sleds, building snowmen and hurling snowballs at one another. There would've been no parental supervision, and most kids wouldn't have considered leaving until the street lights came on. What did today's children do to pass the winter? Did the spirit of adventure die with previous generations, or was it still possible to pull kids away from their Smartphones and video games? Aubrey decided it would be fun to find out. Her favorite social group on Facebook was a place where local moms shared family photos and announcements for children’s events. She had never posted an advertisement within the group, but now was as good a time as any.
ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING WITH AUBREY MONROE: I specialize in taking children to parks where they can enjoy nature walks, sledding, building snowmen and pitching snowballs. Send a private message to book your appointment today!
To make the ad more visually exciting, Aubrey included a recent picture of her and Katie standing beside a snowman with the neighbor’s kids running in the background. Before she could put away her phone, a bell went off to notify her that there was a comment. "How much?" asked a woman named Brenda Forrester.
Aubrey panicked. She should have thought about pricing before posting the advertisement. Now she would have to come up with a fee schedule on the fly. "I charge $10 an hour for families with one or two kids and $15 an hour for families with three to five kids," she typed.
"What happens if the kids have to pee?" asked a chick named Lindsey Greer.
"The community center building is right next door to the park," Aubrey said. "We can pop inside to use the facilities anytime."
"Can you keep my kids out there all night?" joked a woman named Pamela Moore.
"LOL," Aubrey replied. "My outdoor sessions run between 3:30 and 7:30 p.m. If you need additional time, I can bring the children indoors when they finish playing."
New comments came faster than Aubrey could reply, but nobody bothered to inbox a serious inquiry. "I'm going to sign off now," Aubrey typed at the bottom of the thread. "Inbox me if you'd like to book an appointment."
Around 8 p.m., Aubrey transferred her car to the parking lot at Fitness USA and unrolled her sleeping bag across the cargo area. With the new thermal hoodie layered under her usual winter coat, she didn't feel particularly cold or desperate. It was time to call Katie for a bedtime story, and that thought brought a smile to her lips. "Guess what!" Katie screamed into the phone. "I was sad cause I didn't get to go camping with you, so Daddy made a big tent in the living room. He said we can sleep here all week if I want. And tomorrow, I'm going to stay with Grandma while daddy works."
"Way to go!" Aubrey said. "Be sure to tell your grandma I said hello. Are you ready for a bedtime story?"
"Me first! I wrote a story for you, and I'm still working on the pictures."
Katie's story was about a cat who decided to go camping all by himself. While the owners searched the neighborhood for their lost pet, the cat found an empty dog house to occupy. A wise owl living in the tree above the doghouse came down to warn the cat that his family would be worried if he stayed away too long. "I know it's fun to camp," the owl said, "but it’s way more fun to camp with your family."
A deep, dark rage moved through Aubrey's spirit. For the rest of her childhood, Katie would think that her mother went camping and never came home. She longed to tell Katie that it wasn't her decision to skip out, but she wasn't cruel enough to incite drama at this pivotal moment in her daughter's life. To end the conversation on a more positive note, Aubrey said she’d been working at the school to save money to buy presents for Katie's upcoming birthday. That's why Katie would have to stay with grandma during the day. It was all planned so that Aubrey could go out and earn money for gifts! December would be the best month ever. First, there would be a birthday party. Ten days later, Santa would come. The following week, they would start Kindergarten together like a team!
After Katie went to sleep, Ethan called Aubrey's cell phone to talk for a bit. He seemed genuinely excited to hear that there were two open positions in the school cafeteria. He stressed that he would never thwart her attempts to stay close to Katie, and neither would Bunny.
"Bunny?" Aubrey asked. "What kind of name is that? Is she a stripper or an author of children's books?"
"She was a stripper 20 years ago, but she invested well and bought three nightclubs. She still works behind the bar on weekends.”
“What’s she like?” Aubrey asked.
“You don’t wanna know. I don’t think you’re ready.”
“Try me. I’m fascinated! She's your official girlfriend now. You can't keep her in the shadows forever.”
“Okay. Here goes nothing! Bunny is a notorious exhibitionist. People love her loud mouth and filthy sense of humor. On Freaky Fridays, she wears big T-shirts with naked boobs printed across the chest. She bought a mini vibrator with a remote control so that her best tippers could summon her by pushing a button. On Valentine’s day, she hands out suckers shaped like dicks.”
Aubrey imagined herself snapping Ethan’s neck in half, but she was able to force a convincing laugh. “That’s hilarious!” she said.
“Just wait. It gets better! She gives her male bartenders silly names like Angel Butt and Sassy Pants. For the longest time, I didn’t have a nickname. I was just there to do the accounting and supervise the staff. I felt like an outsider in her fun-filled universe. Then one day, she cleaned out her office and handed me an old bowling ball to throw in the trash. I twisted my fingers into the holes and winked at her suggestively. From that moment on, she dubbed me ‘Stinky Finger,’ and I called her “Sugar Tits.’ The guys got the biggest kick out of listening to our banter, and the gals began to smile at me like I was almost human.”
“I get it,” Aubrey said. “Everyone craves acceptance.”
“The more I played up to Bunny, the more she liked me. I found an old Irish fellow to sing dirty limericks on Fridays, and the crowd went wild. I started visiting other clubs to identify the best local acts, and she asked to come along with me. Next thing I know, I’m not just managing one of her bars. I’m the guy who manages the managers who manage her bars. The money changed my life. I let the bank repossess my trailer and moved my pregnant wife into a proper house.”
“At what point did you and Bunny decide to hook up?” Aubrey asked.
“It wasn't a conscious decision. I was consumed by depression when Katie’s mom died. The only thing that kept me from jumping off a bridge was the thought of my daughter growing up without parents. I was drunk in my office one night, and Bunny came to comfort me. One thing led to another, and it was just the distraction I needed at the time. On the day you moved into my house, I was a stone cold alcoholic banging a woman 15 years older than me. My only goal in life was to hire someone to keep my daughter alive so I could keep drinking.”
“Wow. I had no idea!”
“Remember how I used to refuse breakfast in the morning? That’s because I didn’t want the food to counteract the shots I dumped into my coffee at work. When you came into my life, it was like God had ripped the roof off my home to let the sun flood every corner. Little by little, I started eating again. Day by day, I grew beyond the darkness and stepped into your light. I desperately wanted to end my relationship with Bunny, but she’s the puppet master, and I’m her marionette. If I walk away from the franchise, I lose everything. The house, the car, the boat...everything! If it weren’t for Katie, I’d be willing to let the bank seize my assets and take a dive into poverty with you. I would proudly sleep in the sewer just to lay by your side.”
“I’d never ask you to do that,” Aubrey said. “I know what poverty looks like. My mom and dad rented a studio apartment above an old man's rat infested garage. I don’t mind the idea of Katie growing up in a nice neighborhood with good schools."
"Where are you staying tonight?" Ethan asked. "Are you warm enough?"
"I've got your best down sleeping bag in the back of my SUV. I used the propane stove to cook dinner, and I drank enough hot soup to give myself a fever. I'm doing great. I'm just worried about Katie's birthday party. I told her that I took a job at the school to save money for presents. Promise me we'll work together to make this a birthday she'll remember for the rest of her life. If we can flood her mind with good memories this month, she might not feel so devastated by the transition."
"It's a deal," Ethan said. "Do you need anything? I can leave some cash in the mailbox for you."
"I'm fine. Use the money to buy a karaoke machine. Wrap it up real pretty, and put my name on the card."
A few hours later, in that old familiar realm between consciousness and sleep, Aubrey's dad floated into the car on a beam of light. She felt him flow into her sleeping bag and wrap his essence around her shivering body. He offered no words to convey his message of desperation. Only his energy whispered deep, agonizing regret. For the first time in a lifetime, the spiritual being at Aubrey's core understood the difficult decisions that immature souls face along the road to adulthood. Within that understanding grew a fragile and quivering bud of forgiveness. Her dad was 17 years old when she came into the world and 22 when he left her. If she could forgive the child within him, perhaps Katie could forgive the two children raising her. As her father's spirit left the car, a frigid blast of air entered her nostrils and drove icicles into her brain. The fierce, stinging pain shot through her cheekbones and spread through the roots of her teeth. She longed for a ski mask to protect her face from the cold, but there were no such items inside the travel bag she'd thrown together at Ethan's house. There was no getting around it. It was time to wake up and fill the car with heat.
Just before midnight, Aubrey popped into Walmart to pick up a ski mask and two pairs of thermal socks. In the parking lot, she prepared a nice turkey sandwich topped with pickle slices and Swiss cheese. With the car heater on full blast, she was able to relax and enjoy watching a YouTube documentary about a group of college students on a backpacking excursion across New Zealand. If a bunch of spoiled American kids could learn to love hiking through bug infested forests and sleeping in a small tents pelted by freezing rain, surely she could find a way to make SUV life tolerable.
Before settling back into her sleeping bag, she logged into Facebook to check for replies to her babysitting ad. Two moms wanted her to take their children to the park, but one of them was extra desperate. A sudden schedule change left her working until 6:30 p.m., and there was no one available to pick up her three boys after school. She didn't care if her kids spent the time building snowmen or playing basketball inside the community center gym. She only needed someone to supervise their activities, as they were prone to separating from groups and bucking authority. In fact, they'd been kicked out of the school’s latchkey program for leaving the building to wander the parking lot. She warned that the 9-year old could be cocky and argumentative, but the seven-year-old twins had some semblance of respect for authority. Aubrey was quick to accept the gig. Forty five bucks was a homeless person’s dream come true! She spent her last waking moments comparing rates at some of the more reputable budget motels in town.
First thing in the morning, a bell went off to signify a text from Steve. “I lied about the two women on the dating site,” he said. “I just wanted an excuse to call you.”
Her reply was short and sweet. “I lied about the psychology class. I’m living in my SUV.”
Showering at the gym wasn’t as easy as Aubrey thought it would be. She didn’t like the idea of leaving her gym bag on the counter outside the shower stall, so she entered the building with one outfit and one towel stuffed inside a plastic grocery bag. It would’ve been nice to have a pair of flip flops to protect her feet from unseen bacteria and fungus on the floor, but it was something she’d forgotten to consider on her last trip to Walmart. She longed to stand and savor the hot water flowing down her body, but there was no time to waste. She got out quickly and pushed her soggy feet into a pair of old tennis shoes. In the car, she cleaned her feet with alcohol wipes and applied her makeup using a travel mirror. She decided to let her hair dry naturally while she attended to more important business.
She arrived at the school a full hour before her scheduled debut. Using paper and pencils borrowed from the school secretary, she went back out to the car to prepare her first lesson plan. Her simple drawing depicted a birdhouse with several happy sparrows scattered about. The first bird sat “on” the house. The second bird peeked out from “inside” the door frame. A third bird stood “beside” the house. Two more birds flew “above” the scene. The finished work included many more common propositions to denote spatial relationships, including words like around, behind, between, near and under.
Before class began, Aubrey popped into the office to make several copies of the birdhouse diagram. The drawing was well received, but it was Mr. Dobson’s charisma that knocked the lesson out of the park. After the children colored their pictures and traced the target words in crayon, Mr. Dobson hopped up on his desk and flapped his arms like a hysterical turkey. “Where am I?” he asked the children.
“On the desk!” shouted several voices.
Mr. Dobson tilted his head toward the blackboard, and Aubrey immediately picked up the cue. She grabbed a piece of chalk to write the target words in huge capital letters. Before she could fully process what was coming next, Mr. Dobson disappeared under the desk. “Where am I now?” he asked. There was a difference of opinion this time, as some children perceived him to be “under” the desk and others perceived him to be “inside” of it. “You’re all correct!” he shouted as Aubrey wrote down both target words. “I have never seen such smart children in my life.” At the far corner of the room, a little girl with long braids and big glasses beamed from ear to ear, as if he’d delivered the compliment directly to her. He held her gaze for a long moment and broke the spell with a quick wink. In that instant, Aubrey decided that this angel faced teacher was her new favorite person. Too many adults forgot to stop and savor those little reaches for acknowledgement. Her own parents made hot dogs for dinner and planted her in front of the television while they worked themselves into a drunken stupor.
Just before class ended, Mr. Dobson told Aubrey to run to the office and make 25 more copies of her master drawing. He instructed the children to take the flyers home, color the pictures and trace the words one more time. After the final bell, Aubrey was tempted to hang around and get to know Mr. Dobson a little better, but it was time to meet her new babysitting clients outside the school building. As she stood waiting in the freezing rain, Steve’s annoying ring tone stabbed her in the ear. “Did you get the job?” he asked.
“How many times a day are you going to call me?”
“Come on. You love it, and you know it.”
Sadly, she did love it. When she heard his rich, decadent voice, it was hard not to picture him hovering above her with long strands of dark brown hair clinging to the sides of his glistening face. She loved the way he maintained hypnotic eye contact as he lowered himself inside her. Unlike Ethan, he took the time to build a slow, euphoric rhythm before escalating to a more fervent pace. In the glow of his light, she felt electrified. Like the giant Christmas tree at the mall, she was suddenly a luminous thing of beauty. For the first time in her lonely life, she felt like she’d been seen. She was far too young to understand that his light was a dangerous instrument that could be pointed in many directions. On stage, he blew up like a roman candle and showered the audience with searing hot sparks. Too many girls competed for a breath of his fire, and she doubted he could ever be satisfied with just one of them. Getting over him was no easy ride. She was prone to imagining Steve’s handsome face when Ethan climbed on top of her. While Ethan went out to cheat with his body, she stayed home to cheat with her mind. It took many years to kick Steve out of her head. Did she need that kind of baggage as she took her first awkward steps toward starting a new life? “It’s sweet of you to check on me,” she said, “but I have to go. I landed an after-school babysitting gig, and I desperately need the cash.”
The babysitting gig turned out to be one of the easiest assignments she’d ever taken. The seven-year-old twins were gorgeous creatures with deep brown eyes and matching buzz cuts. The eldest child looked just like a taller version of his young brothers. Since the freezing rain had created an icy film over the snow in the park, she decided to take the boys inside the community center building to shoot hoops. As she watched them play from the bleachers, Steve rang her phone again. “Don’t hang up,” he said. “I have a proposition for you.”
“Oh?”
“I want to call you six times a day, and you don’t want me to call at all. Let’s compromise. How does three times sound?”
“Stop. You’re going to make me cry. You have no idea what I’ve been through in the last two days.”
“Why don’t you tell me about it?”
Against her own better judgement, Aubrey launched into a play-by-play account of the painful ordeal that forced her to seek refuge in the parking lot outside Fitness USA. It felt good to vent. She’d been playing it cool to secure the right to remain close to Katie, but dark clouds of anger and fear still swirled behind her rib cage like little tornadoes fighting their way to the surface. There weren’t many people she could call when anxiety threatened to rip her apart at the seams. Steve had been her best friend from the moment they dissected their first frog in 9th grade biology class. He was a rock-n-roll loving rebel at a school where most kids were obsessed with rap music. She was the quiet type who existed without much human interaction. Their quest to find the frog’s hidden testicles raised many questions in their young minds. Did frogs “do it” like humans? Was there some kind of courtship ritual, or did the male frog simply attach himself to an unsuspecting female hopping along on a Tuesday morning? The private discussion caused so many giggles that the teacher found it necessary to separate the two of them. On a subsequent trip to the school library to look up information about frog mating practices, they quickly learned that they couldn’t do anything together without dissolving into wild fits of laughter. As much as Aubrey wanted to beat him senseless for events that transpired ten years into their relationship, she still needed that silly boy who’d helped her find her smile.
Later that evening, Aubrey was surprised to learn that Katie had some grown up questions swirling through her head. “Do you remember that book about the boy whose parents lived in two houses?” she asked.
“Yes,” Aubrey said. “I’m surprised you remember.”
“I remember everything. I know all my dinosaurs and every letter in the alphabet. I can spell divorce, too. D-I-V-O-R-C-E. You aren’t camping, are you?”
“Put Daddy on the phone,” Aubrey said.
“No! Daddy lies. Grandma lies. I can’t talk to anyone. They think I’m stupid, but they’re the stupid ones. Grandma doesn’t know how to use the internet, and Daddy can’t even find a matching pair of socks.”
“I’m sure they’re doing the best they can. Give them some time, honey. They’ll get it together.”
“Daddy says I can go to the mall with you on Sunday. Is that true?”
“If he wants it to be true, I'll pick you up first thing in the morning.”
“Am I still having a birthday party?”
“Of course.”
“Are you getting a house so I can come visit you on the weekend, like the boy in the book?”
At that point, Ethan swiped the phone. “See what I’m dealing with? It’s a mess. I have to hide in the closet to talk to grandma on the phone because our little girl is a master eavesdropper. She's smarter than all of us, and she knows it! This morning, she called me a dummy because I can’t pronounce the names of her favorite dinosaurs. Please take this child to the mall on Sunday! It’s Bunny’s only day off, and she would prefer to spend some time alone with me.”
A sudden rush of adrenaline kicked Aubrey’s heart into high gear, but it was nothing like the terrible anxiety that flowed through her body a few hours earlier. It was more like the surge of power she felt when she put on high heels and stood next to Ethan for the first time. “I have a better idea,” she said. “Since you and Bunny are chained to the club scene on Fridays and Saturdays, just book me a weekend package at the Econo Lodge. The deal includes pizza coupons and unlimited access to a big indoor pool. I’ll show Katie the time of her life, and we can still kill a whole Sunday at the mall. Better yet, I’ll enroll her in dance lessons and take her ice skating on Sundays. I promise you she’ll have more fun than she ever had when I was living at your house. She’ll look forward to our three-day adventure every week! I’ll be sure to sing your praises and stress that you and Bunny made the whole thing possible.”
An awkward silence fell between them. Had she pushed the concept of spending Sundays with Katie too far? A recurring three-day weekend was dangerously close to a custody arrangement between traditionally divorced people. Was he ready for all that? His final reply was punctuated by tiny yelps and congested sniffles. “You amaze me,” he said. “I’ve done nothing to deserve your devotion, but you give it so freely. Bunny is going to love this idea, and Katie won’t grow up hating any of us.”
Aubrey was still drunk on her own power when she sank down into the fluffy sleeping bag that failed her the night before. Thankfully, the temperature had risen to 45 degrees, and the parking lot at Fitness USA was now covered in slush. Large drops of condensation slid down the windows, creating delightful streams that danced and shimmered in the wind. It was the perfect time to grab a good night’s sleep, but her active mind had other ideas. If she could will a weekly motel package into existence, what else could she conjure out of thin air? What fears could she face? What mountains could she climb? She imagined herself landing a paid position as a lunch attendant and saving enough money to enroll in the elementary education program at the local community college. So long as she was dreaming, she let her mind wander ahead to the spring. She wondered what might happen if she hosted an event for 15 children on Ethan’s boat. At $20 per kid, she could make $300 in one hour. If she could convince Ethan to run ten boat tours on his day off, they could turn $300 into $3,000 and throw it toward her tuition. Perhaps it was time to forgive Ethan in a more genuine way that went beyond the selfish desire to remain close to his daughter. It wouldn’t kill her to recognize his pain instead of dwelling upon her own. When the love of his life died in childbirth, he landed in a relationship with a caregiver who could never love him as much as she loved the man who came before him. If this Bunny chick loved Ethan as fiercely as Katie’s mom did, he was truly better off in the long run.
Amid the outrageous fantasies of wealth, career satisfaction and everlasting friendship with Ethan, a nagging disappointment tugged at Aubrey’s heart. It was close to 10 p.m., and Steve hadn’t tried to call her since she left the community center building. She couldn’t blame him if he was a little freaked out by the full story of what a mess her life had become. While he had grown into a more stable person, she had fallen into a state of chaos. She fought the urge to text him by snacking on granola cereal straight from the box. Finally, around midnight, his signature ring tone exploded in her car. “Look out the window,” he said. “I’m parked right across from you.”
As Aubrey approached Steve’s vehicle, the cocker spaniel he’d mentioned yesterday stepped across his lap and popped her head out the driver’s side window. A chaotic round of barking prevented them from greeting one another in a proper human way. “Go lay down!” Steve shouted. Sally did not obey. Aubrey slipped into the passenger seat to let the dog sniff her out and calm down naturally. “Is this your new girlfriend?” she asked.
“I guess so.”
“She’s cuter than me. I’m jealous.”
“Don’t be. You smell way better, and you don’t fart all night.”
“I have some rotisserie chicken in my cooler. I could grab her a snack.”
“Business first,” Steve said, handing her a credit card. “I’m here to make sure you don’t freeze to death next time the temperature drops. Use this card to put a deposit on a studio apartment and pay the first month’s rent. That should buy you enough time to find a job.”
Aubrey pushed his hand away from her. “I can’t accept this.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’ve gone into debt for lesser things. I called to add your name as an authorized user. If you’re still hell bent on living in your car, take my card to the nearest college and enroll in the education program. Babysitting is fine for now, but you were meant to be a teacher. Pay for two semesters if you can. There’s a $25,000 limit, and my credit is good.”
Tears flooded Aubrey's eyes. “You don’t have to do this,” she said.
“Just take it. I was so bad to you. You landed at Ethan’s house because of me. I was a child in a man’s body. I couldn’t handle the attention when a decent band finally decided to put me on stage. My actions changed the course of your life, and I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry! Every day of my life, I’m sorry.”
“I’ll pay you back when I get on my feet,” she said.
“It’s not a loan. It’s a gift with no strings attached. I won’t keep blowing up your phone. I know you have a life to live and a future to create. I’m prepared to turn this car around and leave you here to figure out what you need on your own terms.”
The thought of Steve’s car disappearing into the night filled Aubrey with terror. Where was the fearless woman who willed a joint custody arrangement into existence through the power of suggestion? That girl had a head full of fantasies and a solution for everything. Why was she suddenly afraid to speak her dreams into reality? She wasn’t sure if Steve was here to reignite an old flame or alleviate his own guilt, but she knew she held the power to conjure magic when she tried. She chose her words carefully with full understanding that she could never visit this moment in time again. “Looks like we have a dilemma on our hands. I want to go down on you six times, but you want to drive back to Detroit. So how about three times? Is three times good with you?”
Steve burst into a fit of laughter so loud that Sally took to yelping and farting in the back seat. The contagious vibe infected Aubrey with a violent case of the giggles. Even as he closed his arms around her, the deep abdominal contractions threatened to stop her heart. “This is why I love you,” he said. “This is why I can’t live without you.”